We hate having to rag on local television because it really, really needs all the help it can get. And we hate having to unintentionally establish what seems to be a pattern where we seem to always have nice things to say about ABS-CBN shows, and always seem to have bad things to say about GMA 7’s shows. We swear, it’s totally a coincidence.

What’s also a total coincidence? A couple of years ago, we quipped that maybe, Philippine TV would rip off “adapt” Sherlock Holmes next.

Like so., but with performers we actually want to see in the role.

Well, someone seemed to have taken our suggestion seriously, because late last year, we were treated to a preview image featuring this:

WTH. Just. WTH.

We met that announcement with equal levels of amusement and embarrassment, and we hoped to be proved wrong, that no, despite the contemporary setting, we weren’t going to see a ripoff of BBC’s Sherlock, or maybe America’s Elementary. On a personal level, I felt compelled to have to watch the first few episodes just to get a feel for the show.

The good news is that no, Sherlock, Jr. does not rip off anything from the contemporary British or American versions of Sherlock Holmes.

The bad news is, I still watched Sherlock, Jr.

8. Wayyyyy too much dialogue

I know that most TV shows, local or otherwise, do talking heads a lot, but it really feels like there’s way too much dialogue going on in the first three episodes of Sherlock, Jr. This is especially glaring when there’s hardly any need for exposition in the show, anyways. This seems like excessive handholding on the part of the show, and actually ruins the pacing.

Believe it or not, this character talks even more than everyone else already does.

7. They don’t show. They tell. And tell. And tell.

Okay, okay. We get it: Sherlock hates being called “Sherlock” because his dad left him when he was younger. He prefers to be called “Jack.” Ruru Madrid seems to have been handed bullet points on top of a script, just so he could drill home these ideas every chance he got.

So why does Jenny need to explain this to Caray at the dining table, seeing as they’re Sherlock’s half-sisters and they’ve known him all their lives?!?

Hi! We’re just excuses to shove Sherlock Jr.’s daddy issues down your throat.

And why do we keep having to see Rado, played by Roi Vinzon, drunk every other night? Is that the full extent of his character?

I know I shouldn’t be expecting too much from a show on a tight daily production schedule like this, but c’mon. Your audience deserves better than seeing a bunch of cliche’d stereotypes ramming into each other, instead of nuanced characters interacting dynamically.

6. It’s supposed to be a kid’s show, but…

In the second episode, Sherlock’s girlfriend, Irene (yeah, of course it’d be Irene), played by Janine Gutierrez and her best friend, Roxanne, talk about a serial killer (in the Philippines? Ha!) who supposedly kidnaps, rapes, and murders women.

Wait. Wasn’t this show supposed to replace Super Ma’am, which was clearly a show aimed towards kids?

Hey, kids! Rape and murder!

Even more glaring, this series is expected to start delving into mystery-solving the minute SPOILER!!! Irene gets murdered, so yay kids?

5. Your crime bosses can’t do the one thing you expect them to do?

In the third episode, which (finally) continues the cliffhanger from the first episode’s very first segment, we discover that the assassin who tried to kill Sherlock was also the same guy he was investigating to do an expose on.

Balik-ayos ang buhok ko!

You mean your crime boss can’t even afford to hire a hitman to do the job instead? I guess that explains why he didn’t just shoot him in a drive-by instead of confronting him with a gun in way too close quarters, then.

4. This Sherlock is also insufferable, but minus the normal “justification” we give other Sherlocks.

Ruru Madrid is more than competent in this role, but he is clearly not being written as a “high-functioning sociopath” ala Benedict Cumberbatch, or even a mildly neurotic genius like Jonny Lee Miller, or even a charming rogue like Robert Downey, Jr. Instead, he comes off as an insufferable git with daddy issues.

And clearly, a horrible attention span while driving.

It can be argued that it’s a good thing they didn’t make Sherlock super-smart here like the others, but then, that just makes him mostly a douche that we’re supposed to excuse because… he’s the lead? Don’t get me wrong, though: it’s not a knock on this Sherlock that he’s not playing according to type. We just wish his character had more nuance than the aggro-then-sweet archetype all local heartthrob actors seem wont to portray.

3. Why does nobody keep an eye on Siri?

By my count, Siri got lost in this show at least five times in a span of the first three episodes. For a bunch of people who supposedly love Siri, they’re also a bunch of idiots when it comes to object permanence.

Nice leash you’re keeping an eye on there, kid.

2. So maybe it didn’t rip off Sherlock Holmes, but…

Well, it’s good they didn’t rip much, if anything off from the recent adaptations of Sherlock Holmes. We have a blank slate we could work with, putting Sherlock Holmes into the Philippines setting – except we clearly don’t do that, because Ruru Madrid is playing Ruru Madrid, not a Pinoy Sherlock Holmes.

But considering how we have Sherlock and a dog as our main mystery-solving tandem, it seems a lot more like what we have here is..

Scooby Doo?

1. But thank heavens for…

Siri, the wonder dog (voiced by Mikee Quintos)! I could just watch her go for hours sassing everyone and everything she sees on the show.

Including herself.

While obviously, I’m not a huge fan of Sherlock, Jr. as a whole, there’s very little bad things I can say about Siri. The more of her, the better.

What do you think of the show? Tell us your thoughts below!