8 Signs the Girl You’re Dating is Not the One
Mar 24, 2015   •   Brutus Mariano
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Mar 24, 2015   •   Brutus Mariano
Are you starting to feel that the girl you’re dating is not “the one” for no other reason than she bugs the hell out of you?
Is her online/public persona annoying as hell to the point that it makes you want to break up with “yo bae,” as ridiculous and petty as it may seem?
Are there some things about her that may seem perfectly normal to other people that chip-chip-chip away at your very being for no reason other than the tiny judgmental voice in your enormous judgmental head is telling you “this sh*t ain’t right”?
Is “annoying” a recurring word in your internal monologue whenever you think about your supposed lady love?
(Do you think that asking a barrage of questions to start off an article is a cheap and lazy gimmick to get things going? Me too!)
Fret not, amigo. (Ok, you can and should fret a little because you are in a fret-worthy bind.) Here is a list that might make the decision-making process easier for you. The scenarios presented in this list may seem oddly specific but trust me, these things happen a lot. It’s not as if I am referring to any woman (or women) from my past. Or am I? I swear I’m not. Writing about Elizab… umm… them would make me seem weak and bitter and petty and angry and douchey and dumb… Anyway, here are 8 signs the Girl You’re Dating Is Not the One:
What is up with that bullsh*t? It’s like she has a thing against the summation of everything that is good and holy about the world (i.e. television).
She thinks watching what she passély calls “the boob tube” is for lower-tier boobs, but the funny thing is she’s ridiculously active on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest so that kinda erodes her credibility a little. And it’s all about integrity, right? (Who’s the bigger boob now, boobzilla?)
First of all, let me start by saying that not all sneakerheads are sneakerdouches. Most of them are, but not all. (Some of my closest friends are actually gentlemen-sneakerheads). I’m talking about those neo-bagets twats who just buy shit to stay relevant and current.
With that convenient disclaimer out of the way…
Brother, cousin, it doesn’t matter. You don’t want that trite a-hole in your life, guy. If you marry this girl, he will be a permanent fixture in your life. Imagine this: Every big holiday (and possibly every Sunday), you would have to lay your judgmental eyes on the brightly colored shoes, obnoxious jogger pants (or whatever it is that would be hip by then), funky haircuts, ill-fitting tees and annoyingly retro gadgets of that bag of d*cks you call “bayaw.” Then you would have to talk to him and hear him yap about why Kobe is better than MJ and some other stupid ideas that only a bag of d*cks like him can think of.
Think about it long and hard. Hindi sulit ‘di ba?
“Oohh, look at me! I’m classy yet so dude-ly. I read smart people books and cuss at basketball games! Admire me! Admire me for my sophisticated ruggedness, dammit!”
How wonderful forever must be if you get to spend it with a talentless, unmotivated, facile, bohemian woman-child with no real concept of responsibility and hard work.
Wanting to travel and see the world doesn’t make you deep and adventurous. It just probably means you like to travel and stare at pretty things. Awwww, so cute.
“Dis s not d lyf dat i want 4 myself :( :( u r vry jdgmntal n i h8 d way hm i luv u, boi *emojis galore*
Also, she commit’s crime’s against punctuation and gramar on a regular bassis and she is so horbile at speling also. But shes’ managed to convinse herself shes’ a nerd coz shes’ seen two Lord of the Rings movies and one season of The Big Bang Theory. How adorkable! (Or not.)
A parallel (yet equally annoying) universe version of this genus are girls who try to be quirky on purpose. You know, those girls who post pictures of themselves doing contrived weirdo things like eating french fries dipped in durian ice cream or them ladies who have weirdo fantasy nicknames for themselves like Robot Monkey Princess. Yup, THOSE girls.
Another variation of this group would be the bandwagon soccer chick fans who magically transform into die hard *insert darkhorse country du jour here* fans whenever there’s a world cup. Eww.
Dude, just break up with this girl. That’ll give her something to sing about.
Run. Dude. Run.
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