The 8 Commandments
All True Titos Live By
By Kevin Christian L.Santos
Ano tito ka na ba?
Are you? Do you have a beer gut from all the epic hijinks you did in your rip-roaring glory years? Are you convinced that nothing is crazier than the way your life was before? Do you sneer at how soft, entitled and privileged millennials are? Do you have no idea who the hell is on MTV or playing on the radio these days?
Well, either you’re a) bitter, b) living under a rock, or c) a tito. If you’re the latter, then grab an ice cold beer and read up. It’s time to find out if you live by the code of the true tito.
8. You shall wear nothing but underwear around the house most of the time
Getting the morning paper outside your gate in nothing but boxers or briefs? Why the hell not. True titos don’t give a shit. Whenever other people see you, they know you used to be the shit or a legend, or a legendary shit just like those shirtless tambays you see in the street. Besides, you know that there’s very little in life that compares to the comfort of wearing just your undies around. You don’t care if this happens too:
Don’t even care.
7. Any time is a good time for beer
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Nothing beats an ice cold San Miguel Pale Pilsen while you drink in your garage with the neighborhood friends and tambays. Also, you guzzle said beer in nothing but boxer shorts.
6. It’s your job to get everyone drunk at parties
Whatever the celebration, it is your self-appointed duty to get everyone as shitfaced as possible. You’re prepared with the big guns as well, namely scotch. You will get annoyed at anyone who denies a drink and call them hurtful and possibly politically incorrect names, like “pussy” or “supot” (all in good fun of course).
5. You refuse to understand the latest trends
What the hell is a spin class? Why is everyone wearing a flower crown at music festivals? How can anyone understand KPop? What’s rap? What’s trap? What the hell’s going on?
These are just some of the questions that swirl in your head when you come across today’s trends. Today’s world just confuses you. In the words of Principal Skinner: