What’s a Marites, you ask? Look outside your window at the group of ladies in a daster, judging everyone walking by. That’s the most basic form of a Marites (scientific name Chismosis Maritenesis) or as one mockumentary put it, “nature’s CCTV.” But the thing is, Mariteses aren’t one size fits all. Almost two years of lockdown has made these creatures evolve and now they are everywhere — embedded in your timeline, shouting in the house next to you, and worst of all, inside yourself fighting to be free. Here are 8 types of Marites endemic to the Philippines. Which one do you identify with?
The Sensei
Special attack: Making you do things in exchange for the tea you’ve been dying to know.
This type of Marites was able to unlock their seventh sense for chismis after spending extended periods of time wilting alone in their room (thanks, lockdown!). At some point in the quiet, she reached nirvana and came back to earth a totally different person. Enlightened by nature, boosted by her internet provider, and equipped with the latest Apple iPhone, there is nothing happening that the Sensei Marites does not know of. Even before the news breaks on your timeline, trust that they know it already. It probably comes to them from another dimension or plane of consciousness.
The Scholar
Special attack: Putting sources with links at the bottom of their posts
One of the better types of Marites believes in the saying “Chismis over thesis” or, if they’ve graduated, “Gossip before sleep.” But they don’t gossip carelessly, no. They catch up on the tea like it’s a reading material they need to write a 10-page essay for due EOD. You see, these hardcore researcher Scholars believe in the power of informed chismis. Only then can the world run smoothly and fairly.
The Conspiracy Theorist
Special attack: Excessive use of their imagination a.k.a “Advanced mag-isip”
To a Conspiracy Theorist Marites, the tea is never just the tea. There must be layers to it. They will listen enraptured to the story but their imagination tends to get the better of them. Because of this almost violent involuntary desire to conspiracy theorize, they are also sadly prone to believing and instigating fake news (“‘Pano kung totoo?”). Want to know the extent of their abilities? Say an actress posted a selfie and some guy’s pinky cameoed in the corner. Trust the conspiracy theorist to know whose pinky that is and why that means the actress is secretly dating this actor.
The Tsundere
Special attack: Stalking (a la Joe from YOU) plus being a fly on the wall
The Tsundere Mariteses of this world are yet to publicly own up to who they truly are — chismosas like the rest of us. Maybe they’re introverts who like to keep up with the tea but are too shy to tell everyone they’re invested so they rebuff with a scathing “Who cares??” when they themselves, in fact, care. They will watch the trending video and read articles about it because “I need to be updated, right?” Tsunderes might also act like they don’t like the conversation but will silently listen by the side and disguise gossiping as “observing.” Be careful, they know too much.
The Keyboard Warrior
Special attack: Written abuse, gaslighting, plus blaming you for hurting their feelings when you call them out
All the other types of Marites on this list can operate under the radar but not the Keyboard Warrior Marites. They’re ever-present on your timeline, commenting on every post with the grace of a 7-year-old who just discovered gadgets. They will intrude into your private life and try to police it too since they’re hungry for attention. They announce your breakup, they reveal details of your private life, and once you call them out, they love playing the victim. If the virtual equivalent of a chokeslam is possible, they might be the only ones deserving next to online trolls.
The Nosy Neighbor
Special attack: Waking the entire neighborhood with verbal abuse
The Nosy Neighbor is probably the most basic type of Marites that’s present at every street in the Philippines. Their daily tasks are sweeping the front of their house and going to the local sari-sari store to buy toyo and to ask everyone within earshot if Inday is pregnant because she hasn’t been around for a while. They also love to scream at their children and let the whole street know their beef. Special weapon? Tsinelas, walis, and hanger.
The Sloth
Special attack: Threatening to cry or spamming you with messages if you don’t explain the tea to them
Sloth Mariteses are those who are painfully slow on the uptake. The current “tea” is trending, already on their timelines, or staring them right in the face but they need time to put two and two together. If shocking tea breaks out, you know they aren’t the first person you should go to. Give them a few hours to catch up before you message them and ask for their opinion.
The Pre-Historic Marites
Special attack: Giving everyone unsolicited advice and believing in their own version of “the truth”
Stuck in the past, unable to adapt to modern society and modern ideology, this type of Marites is one of the most annoying if not dangerous ones. They will stick to the “facts” that they know even if these have been disproven years prior (e.g. wiping your first period on your face to avoid pimples to believing that a certain dictator gave our country its Best Years Ever). Honestly, they could use some advice from the Scholar Marites.
So, which of these types of Marites do you identify with the most?
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