Hey gang! Fun fact: TANGINA ANG INIT. Walking outside is like letting the sun sear us with heat until we melt into a fleshy pile of meat on the asphalt. Ever notice how the summer heat makes our singit sweatier than normal? No matter what you wear, your singits turn into a virtual swamp of sour odors. Go ahead, give it a whiff. It’s like you can practically rub chicharon in there for some sour and tangy flavor fiesta. Weird right?
Speaking of weird, let’s take a look at some of the weird goings-on this week:
1. Man sticks 19-inch eel up his ass to cure his constipation
Over in China, a factory worker had a different solution for constipation. Laxatives? Nah. He grabbed a swamp eel and shoved it up his ass.
According to Guangdong Television, Liu was rushed to the hospital after complaining of stomach pains. Doctors were then surprised to see a swamp eel in his small intestines. The eel measured 19 inches long and weighed around 250g.
Apparently, Mr. Liu had gone to the hospital before his eel incident and was complaining of constipation. Doctors advised him to stay in the hospital for further treatment, but said nah, fuck this and decided to use an apparently ancient method of treatment by shoving an eel up his ass to cure his ailment.
How did he find the perfect eel? “Oh, this eel is perfect for my butthole, it’s the perfect size and diameter.” Did he just shove it up there or did he psyche himself up? More importantly, Y THO? We have so many questions.
2. This 82-year old is a DJ and is cooler than you
While some of your friends are perfectly content with a nice, quiet evening at home, 82-year old Sumiko Iwamuro would call you a “NERD LOL” and rather party. Otherwise known as DJ Sumirock, Iwamuro is lighting up the Tokyo club scene with her wildly eclectic mix of jazz, classical, and more styles infused into her brand of techno.
By day, Iwamuro makes dumplings for her Chinese restaurant in Tokyo. After her husband’s death, she took up DJ lessons and the rest is history. She now DJs once a month, and she hopes to break through the New York club scene.
3. “The Beaster Bunny” is the terrible Easter-themed horror movie you never knew you wanted
File this under “so bad, it’s bad.” “The Beaster Bunny” is the Easter-themed horror movie that keeps on giving. Because when you think of Easter, it’s not all about eggs and chocolate. It’s all about a damn ravenous bunny tearing innocent people limb from limb.
The synopsis reads “A giant bloodthirsty Easter bunny starts viciously killing the local townsfolk. When the Mayor refuses to act and the attacks grow more gruesome, the town finds its very survival in the hands of a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher.” Riveting stuff.
But seriously, if you want a scary movie with rabbits, you can’t go wrong with the animated film Watership Down. Watching cute and cuddly bunnies meet their violent ends was seriously some traumatizing stuff.
4. Man denies having sex with motorbike, so stop asking him
For the uninformed, mechanophilia is an intense sexual attraction to machines. Unfortunately for Kevin Chapman, his unusual attraction may land him in jail.
Kevin Chapman stands accused of indecent exposure and attempted to do sexual maneuvers on a blue Suzuki motorbike. He also allegedly kicked and punched said bike. That motorbike must have been a pretty tough week. #justiceforbluebike
Chapman says he remembers dropping his pants, but doesn’t remember humping any motor vehicle. He says he was pushed into the vehicle while his pants were down BECAUSE THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.
Chapman was said to have been drinking during the day of the incident. He stands trial this June.
5. Ghost appears in woman’s selfie, and OH HELL NO
Sure, we can’t blame you for believing in science rather than the paranormal. However, we are only but a speck of dust in the entire universe, and there are a lot of things we can’t find concrete truth to yet. Like ghosts. And ghosts appearing in your selfies. Unfortunately for Melissa Kurtz, a ghost decided to join in on her selfie.
If you look at the picture closer, there appears to be a boy at the backseat of Kurtz’ car. The only problem was there was no boy to begin with while the photo was being taken.
When Ms. Kurtz did her research, it turned out her photo coincided in the anniversary of someone’s death an accident on the very road where the picture was taken. She thinks the dead person might be the child in her backseat. Paranormal investigators say that the child was trying to warn her to wear her seatbelt to prevent any further accidents.
So there you have it. Wear your damn seatbelts if you don’t want a ghost making you pee your pants.
6. Grandmother discovers the magic of green screen, becomes Youtube sensation
In more cool grandmother news, a 62-year old woman in Russia discovered the magic of green screen using Premier Pro.
She has now produced a variety of videos of herself doing all sorts of stuff, from riding on a flying carpet, deep sea diving, and more. She talks about how she was able to create the awesome special effects in her videos as well.
Her work has gone such immense attention that she was also invited to show off her mad editing skillz on the Russian evening program Vecherniy Urgant. Meanwhile, I find myself crying and stressing over the things I can easily do.
7. Church includes marijuana as part of holy sacrament, where do we sign up?
Fan of PDEA? Stop reading this now.
Denver’s International Church of Cannabis just opened this week, much to the delight of stoners, burnouts, and fans of doom metal and the Grateful Dead.
The church’s website says its members are called “Elevationists.” Their mission states “The International Church of Cannabis’ mission is to offer a home to adults everywhere who are looking to create the best version of themselves by way of the sacred plant. Our lifestance is that an individual’s spiritual journey, and search for meaning, is one of self-discovery that can be accelerated with ritual cannabis use. Elevationists claim no divine authority, nor authoritarian structure, therefore, those of all religious and cultural background are welcome to visit our chapel and take part in our celebrations.”
Marijuana is legal in Colorado with some limitations: Smoking the reefer is illegal in public, along with certain venues.
This just gives “high priest” a new meaning. So where do we sign up? For research purposes, of course.
8. Giant black worm discovered in the Philippines, is here to haunt your dreams forever
Scientists have just discovered rare giant shipworms in the Philippines, the first time to find live specimens. The five feet, two-inches wide worms look like evil, jet black sperm from Lucifer’s ballsack. Or for a more PG description, they look like evil black phlegm from Lucifer’s nostrils. The worms spend most of its life encased in a hard shell and submerged in mud, probably due to self-esteem issues.
Known as the giant shipworm or Kuphus polythalamia, scientists are saying this is the longest bivalve known to man according to a study published in the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America.
In a report by the BBC, scientists say they were surprised by the shipworms’ black color, considering most of the species have lighter, cream-like colors. It also has a smaller digestive system compared to other shipworms, and instead opting for a diet of mud and marine sediments.
For the love of God, don’t be like that guy from China and don’t shove Kuphus polythalamia up your ass for your constipation. Or for your kinkier desires.
What was the weirdest for you this week? Don’t share them with us below. Please, god, no.