If you haven’t heard the news by now, the United States has launched missiles at a Syrian base after Syria’s use of banned chemical weapons killed 72 civilians, including 20 children as of writing. Russia is also Syria’s most powerful ally, and US president Donald Trump has been accused of having ties with Russia. We can only imagine what happens next. This is it. This is how it ends. This is doomsday.
But enough about that. Let’s try to keep your mind off the impending apocalypse or the coming of Cthulhu by taking a peek at the weirdest things happening in the world today. Because weird > end of the world. Might as well embrace our inner weirdness right? Let’s rub peanut butter all over our nipples and check out some odd stuff, like:
1. Monkey throws poop at grandma in zoo because shit happens
So Jake and I thought we were going to have an average day at the zoo… turns out it would be the day of the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I’m seriously dying of laughter. And I can’t believe I got it on video. Just watch… #ItGotGrandma
I’d also like to take the opportunity to help raise money for any improvements to the chimp exhibit, as well other zoo needs. If you have a few bucks to spare, please consider donating it to John Ball Zoo at http://www.jbzoo.org/support/donate
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Posted by Erin Vargo on Sunday, April 2, 2017
In what was supposed to be a fun day at the zoo, an innocent grandma proceeded to have the shittiest day ever. Why? A gorilla was possible enraged by the number of people staring at its naked gorilla-ness, and proceed to throw poop. In this case, said poop landed right on the nose of our poor innocent grandma.
“It’s got grandma!” a voice off camera cackles with glee. What a load of shit.
2. Demi Lovato frees Poot, Twitter goes wild
Back in 2015, Poot Lovato was born into the interwebs after Tumblr user cstcrpt uploaded this rather unflattering photo of pop-star Demi Lovato:
The creator said Poot was Demi’s long-lost twin sister who was locked in a basement. Her backstory was even published on friggin’ Wattpad. And since the internet is full of mature individuals, the memes started pouring in:
RT if you support Poot Lovato ❤️ pic.twitter.com/ZXhVACvtfz
— shannon (@champagnemomthr) October 15, 2015
Demi wasn’t too pleased:
That all changed when Demi tweeted a GIF of Poot:
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) April 3, 2017
Twitter went apeshit! (sorry grandma)
@ddlovato OMG YOU LET HER OUT.
— Alex Goldschmidt (@alexandergold) April 3, 2017
@ddlovato DEMI NO U DIDNT
— parker kit hill (@ParkerKitHill) April 3, 2017
@ddlovato SHE’S BACK
— dodie (@doddleoddle) April 4, 2017
And naturally, the memes started pouring:
— 103.7 KISS FM (@KissChattanooga) April 4, 2017
— BodySaying Demi (@demilovaqto) April 3, 2017
Never change, internet.
3. Malaysian politician says it’s ok for rape victims to marry their rapists because he is an asshole
In shitty-human-being news (sorry again grandma), Shabudin Yahaya, a member of the Barisan Nasional coalition in Malaysia, said girls aged 9-12 years old are “physically and spiritually ready” for marriage.
He said “They reach puberty at the age of nine or 12 and at that time, the physical state of their body is already akin to those 18 years of age.
“For a wife who was raped, if she can marry (the rapist) she would not go through such a bleak future.
“At least she has someone who can become her husband. So, this will be a remedy to social problems,” as reported by the Malaysian Digest.
But wait, there’s more. He also reasons out that sex offenders aren’t really bad people or continue to be bad people. He said, “Maybe he repents, or regrets. It is better to have people who regret rather than people who do not regret. So in this case, let us not put an assumption that the person will remain bad. (Marriage) can be an exit clause for this problem.”
You know what’s weird? It’s 2017 and we still have guys like this who have their heads so far up their ass working in the government.
4. Hackers can easily hijack a dildo camera because Y THO?
In why-would-you-want-to-do-that news, Motherboard reports that hackers from a UK security firm was easily able to hack the Svakom Siime Eye, a vibrator with a camera on its tip (so you can stream it to anyone you choose, if that’s your sort of thing). However, if you’re in Wi-Fi range of the dildo, you can watch the video stream as well, and even control of the dildo with a bit more hacking.
Okay, a few things. Why would the company making the dildo make it Wi-Fi accessible, making it accessible to almost anyone. And why would you want to hack into someone else’s dildo?
5. Engineer gives up on women, marries robot he created himself because reasons
Still feeling lonely? Don’t worry. The right person is just around the corner. Or maybe you can grab life by the balls and create your own love life, just like what this engineer in China did.
31-year old Zheng Jiajia, an AI expert based in Hangzhou, created a 30-kilogram female robot in hopes of making it his lifelong partner. The robot, fondly named Yingying, has the ability to understand Chinese characters and even speak Chinese phrases. Zheng adds that he plans to add more features to his robot love, such as walking and the ability to do simple chores. No word yet if he plans to add nagging and the ability to give birth to robot babies.
Zheng recently wed Yingying in a small ceremony attended by his mother, friends, and co-workers. Ah, true love.
6. Mom brings son to work, dresses up as Godzilla because why the hell not
— Erika Biga Lee (@ebigalee) April 5, 2017
Indiana University teacher Erika Biga Lee brought her seven-year old son Max to one of her classes. Max decided to show up in a Godzilla costume because Max is a fucking badass.
Lee’s co-worker, undergrad instructor Nathaniel Ferguson, tweeted pictures of Max in Godzilla mode and quickly went viral.
My teacher’s son is off for spring break and she brought him to class in his Godzilla costume pic.twitter.com/2lL4oKoD9B
— Natty (@ngmferguson) April 4, 2017
Speaking to Buzzfeed News, Ferguson said that Max was a big Godzilla fan. He went as the giant monster in Halloween last year and has fallen in love with the costume ever since. Ferguson also said that Lee and her students encouraged Max to put the suit on.
— Erika Biga Lee (@ebigalee) April 5, 2017
Ferguson also added that Max didn’t really disrupt the class, and that a lot of people were cracking up.
Ever the legend, this wasn’t the first time Max came to his mom’s school in costume. Last year, he was this adorable T-Rex:
— Erika Biga Lee (@ebigalee) April 5, 2017
Never change, Max. Never lose your dinosaur.
7. Police share photo of “stair of knives” in domestic abuse victim’s home
In a scene that looks like a still from a horror movie, a police officer in the UK shared a photo of what domestic abuse victims have to face on a daily basis. Police found a home with knives embedded in a stair’s steps. A 42-year old man has been charged with assault.
Inspector Jack Rowlands shared the photo on Twitter, and said that things could’ve gotten much worse if they didn’t reach the home any sooner:
A few weeks back a colleague of mine went to a domestic assault & found this when he entered. Male arrested & charged. Life saved pic.twitter.com/HjHNFplrsO
— Insp Jack Rowlands (@earlyyearscop) March 21, 2017
.@BLF090 @policecommander @InspGadgetBlogs @MPS_n_P @ConstableChaos @MikePannett @DC_ARVSgt @obbsie Lots of comments & shock about this picture. An image that raises the awareness of #domesticviolence & how much more is needed to be done
— Insp Jack Rowlands (@earlyyearscop) March 22, 2017
Domestic abuse is no laughing matter. In the US, nearly 20 people per minute are abused by their partners. In Australia, at least one woman is killed every week by a partner or former partner. In the Philippines, one in five women aged 15-49 has experienced physical violence since 15, and 14.4% of married women experienced physical abuse from their husbands.
8. Cannibalism study reveals that eating people isn’t really that healthy
National Geographic reports that compared to other Paleolithic creatures, eating humans isn’t really good for your GAINZ, BRUH!
“When you compare us to other animals, we’re not very nutritional at all,” says study author James Cole of the University of Brighton, who published his findings in Scientific Reports.
In his study, he says that while boars pack around 1,800 calories in each pound of muscle, a human only has 650. With this data, Cole asks if we’re not exactly a filling meal, what’s the point of eating humans? It’s not like they’re willing to be stabbed by a spear and roasted on an open fire. Cole argues that cannibalism wasn’t just for the sake of a bad case of being hangry, but served as a social function or for rituals.
Anthropologist Silvia Bello of the Natural History Museum in London agrees with Cole’s findings, and says that cannibalism was more of a choice than a necessity. “I think, however, that to find the motivation of the choice is a very difficult matter.”
In another case, cannibalism was just based on practicality. Anthropologist Erik Trinkaus of Washington University in St. Louis says “It is an issue of survival when there are no other food sources, members of one’s social group have died, and the surviving members consume the bodies of already-dead people.”
Whatever the case, don’t expect to see a medium rare steak from your ex’s cold dead heart on your plates any time soon.