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8 of the Worst Excerpts from the Tagalog Translation of Fifty Shades of Grey

  • Posted on Feb 20, 2015Feb 23, 2015
  • 1 minute read
  • Kel Fabie
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8 of the Worst Excerpts from the Tagalog Translation of Fifty Shades of Grey

50shadesofgreytagalog_headtitle

Sometimes, I wonder if the powers that be who tell me what 8Lists I should totally write about genuinely hate me. After all, it’s bad enough that they asked me to read “Fifty Shades Of Grey” to bring you this: they didn’t have to make me read the Tagalog version alongside it just to drive home the point of how much I can’t stand E.L. James’s writing.

Here’s the irony: the Tagalog version, while a bit more cringeworthy in places, actually reads better than the original prose because a lot of the cumbersome metaphors and descriptions the original author just loves abusing, such as “I can almost hear his sphinxlike smile through the phone.” Huh?!

Let’s take a look at some of the most egregious passages from the book, and compare the two versions side by side. Because I’m apparently even more masochistic than Anastasia Steele herself.

8. English Version: “I need to stock up on a few things. It’s a pleasure to meet you again, Miss Steele.” His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.

Tagalog Version: “May ilang bagay akong kailangang bilhin. Natutuwa akong makita ka uli, Miss Steele.” Paos pero masigla ang boses niya. Pakiramdam ko ay nakakain ako ng tinunaw na dark chocolate fudge caramel… o kung anoman.

50shadesofgreytagalog_8

This passage is really worsened by the fact that “husky” isn’t quite well-captured by the Filipino words “paos pero masigla.” The creme de la creme, though, is that in both versions, you can’t help but wonder aloud if a teenager wrote this when Anastasia clearly gives up on her metaphor midway through her internal dialogue… or something.

If there’s something the movie-watchers have to be grateful for, it’s the fact they don’t have to go through this kind of torture. Mr. Grey’s crop rider seems much less painful in contrast.

7. English Version: My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder, pushing him deeper and deeper, swirling my tongue around and around. Hmmm… I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

Tagalog Version: Dinidilaan ko ang dulo ng kanyang pagkalalaki – ang sarili kong Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. Pinagbutihan ko pa ang pagsipsip, palalim nang palalim na itinutulak siya papasok, at paikot nang paikot na dinilaan. Hmm… hindi ko alam na makakagising pala ng pagnanasa ang paligayahin siya, ang panoorin siyang halos mamilipit sa pangangailangan. Ang inner goddess ko ay nagsasayaw ng merengue na may kasamaing ilang salsa moves.

50shadesofgreytagalog_7

First of all, why even bother with a translation if you’re going to keep pretty much every single key phrase as exactly the same in English? It defies all explanation why this translation keeps insisting on using E.L. James’s words verbatim during a ton of key moments when it’s practically doing better ignoring the original text.

There’s also the fact that this chapter depicts Anastasia’s first attempt at fellatio ever, after losing her virginity merely one chapter ago. Somehow, our perfect heroine whose “only” flaw is that she’s “clumsy” (unless the writer completely forgets this and lets Anastasiaeffortlessly wear a pair of high heels) manages to deliver an A-worthy performance, according to Mr. Grey. Riiiight. Mary Sue much?

And what is up with that stupid inner goddess? Has anyone bothered asking what the hell her deal is, dancing around in Ms. Steele’s head like some Ally McBeal internal dialogue skit? Doesn’t this inner goddess ever get tired? Maybe she should go lie down for a while and just shut the hell up.

6. English Version: “Um.” I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communisty Manifesto. Stop talking. Stop talking. NOW.

Tagalog Version: “Ah.” Nararamdaman kong namumula na naman ang mga pisngi ko. Malamang na kakulay na ako ng The Communist Manifesto. Huwag ka nang magsalita. Huwag ka nang magsalita. NGAYON.

50shadesofgreytagalog_6

Holy cow! Somehow, blushing has never seemed more like communist propaganda than ever, before E.L. James decided to use this metaphor. Stop writing. Stop writing. NOW.
Too late.

5. English Version: He raises his eyebrows as his hand moves up and down his impressive length.

Tagalog Version: Itinaas niya ang mga kilay niya habang hinahaplos pababa at pataas ng kamay niya ang kahanga-hanga niyang pagkalalaki.

50shadesofgreytagalog_5
Here’s one of those few examples where the Tagalog translation does make things worse. And this is pretty much the most benign example I could muster up, because anything more graphic than this might make #ManyakTatay come running in this direction.

manyaktatay
Why did you bring your kids with you, then?!?

4. English Version: His gray eyes blaze at me, his challenge intrinsic in his stare. His lips are parted – he’s waiting, coiled to strike. Desire – acute, liquid and smoldering, combusts deep in my belly. I take preemptive action and launch myself at him.

Tagalog Version: Pinapasao ako ng tingin niya, mababasa ang paghamon sa pagkatitig niya. Nakaawang ang mga labi niya – naghihintay siya, naghahanda para sumugod. Sumabog sa kailaliman ng puson ko ang matinding pagnanasa ko, na ngayon ay basa na at nagbabaga. Mabilis akong kumilos pasugod sa kanya.

50shadesofgreytagalog_4a

Does anyone seriously find this sexy? This whole excerpt is about as erotic as running play-by-play commentary in a pro wrestling match. All that’s lacking would be good ol’ JR screaming “Stonecold! Stonecold! Stonecold!!!” at the top of his lungs.

3. English Version: “You’ve really got a taste for this, haven’t you, Miss Steele? You’re becoming insatiable,” he murmurs.
“I’ve only got a taste for you,” I whisper.

Tagalog Version: “Nakahiligan mo na ito, hindi ba, Miss Steele? Wala kang pagkasawa,” sabi niya.
“Ikaw lang naman ang gusto ko,” bulong ko.

50shadesofgreytagalog_3

I don’t know if this was a #BoomPanes moment or an #EhDiWow moment. So let’s go with…

ediwow
He will haunt you in your dreams.

2. English Version: “You want it, you got it, baby,” he mutters, producing a foil packet from his pants pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh, Mr. Boy Scout.”

Tagalog Version: “Gusto mo ito, kaya ibibigay ko sa iyo, baby,” Naglabas siya ng foil packet mula sa bulsa niya habang ibinababa ang zipper ng pantalon niya. Oh, Mr. Boy Scout.”

50shadesofgreytagalog_2

Nothing gets the blood going like making references to Boy Scout, assuming you’re a member of NAMBLA. Otherwise, you can add that and Mr. Grey’s overuse of the word “baby” to the litany of decidedly un-sexy things you can find in the supposedly sexy book, “Fifty Shades Of Grey.” Christian abuses “baby” so much, you would think it had its own safeword.

1. English Version: And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you.

Tagalog Version: Mula sa napakaliit at hindi masyadong ginagamit na parte ng utak ko – na malamang matatagpuan sa puno ng medulla oblongata, at malapit sa pinaglulunggaan ng natutulog kong kamalayan, ang subconscious ko – lumutang ang isang hinala: nandito siya para makita ka.

50shadesofgreytagalog_1

And people tell me I use too many fancy words! There is nothing about that passage in English that couldn’t have been said in seven words: he was here to see me. Inconcenceivable!

If you wanted it in Filipino, here’s my try in 8 words: Nandito siya para makita ka: ikaw na, teh!
I have never seen anything more needlessly complicated since people invented the “M.U.” relationship status.

Have you read this book? English or Tagalog version? What do you think of the translation? Share in the Comments Section below.


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Kel Fabie

Kel Fabie. is a DJ, host, mentalist, satirist, comedian, and a long-time contributor to 8List (Hello, ladies!). He has an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel, and two other weirdly-named pet dogs. He blogs on mistervader.com.


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