Videogames have always appealed to the young and young at heart, like any medium the people who are truly passionate about them have always been adults. The medium has come a long way, beginning as abstract adventures depicted with pixels. Today, they’re fully developed simulations of action, strategy and conversation represented in a broad range of audio and visual styles.
With the tools of digital expression being where they are today, developers are constantly using the medium to tackle many subjects, themes and situations. Some ask existential questions about the stability of our society in the face of massive social and technological change. Many explore the illusory nature of free will in a heavily controlled society, or the extent to which man may be the real monster, not aliens, mutants or the undead.
And others try to explore sex. Unfortunately, the taboo nature of the subject means that frank, honest and realistic depictions are uncommon in any medium. In the case of videogames, the collision between the hyperreal and the uncanny valley can lead to strangeness, moreso when the writing is awkward, strange or silly. One day, when sex is better talked about, more openly discussed we’ll have better sex in games.
But today is not that day. Here are the 8 weirdest, funniest sex scenes in videogames.
by David Cage with Quantic Dream, 2010 for PlayStation 3
Let’s start with something light. The M-rated thriller Heavy Rain already struggles with the limits of technology by asking us to believe that unsettling polygons are real humans, and fiddle with the sticks, buttons and gyroscope of the Dual Shock controller to simulate in-game actions. And that’s pretty much the crux of why and how things get weird in Heavy Rain.
Wallowing in misery after killing a drug dealer, Ethan feels tremendous guilt while Madison performs emotional labor to reassure him he’s not a bad guy. When that doesn’t work, the awkward boning commences. You press the circle button to make out, you hold R1 and up to undress. Madison and Ethan conjoin to become one polygonal pretzel on the floor, despite the existence of a bed in the room.
Ride to Hell: Retribution
by Graham James and Tom Smetham with Deep Silver, 2013 for Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3
Standing at 19/100 on Metacritic, this biker revenge adventure features some obnoxious and poorly animated sex scenes and they’re just part of why it’s one of the worst games ever made. Early in Ride to Hell you can fight off a thug harassing a prostitute and are instantly rewarded – no elegant transition made – with a scene of you banging the hooker in distress. But it’s inanimate sex faces that are the true horror of this game.
And that’s just the first of several scenes in which the character beats up a bunch of people and gets sex as an instant reward. And by “sex” we mean grotesquely animated dry humping set to an awful porno groove riff. I hope you become as traumatized by this as I am. That’s Ride to Hell in a nutshell, a series of women coming on to the player for impressive displays of brute violence. It’s like a prepubescent meathead wrote this.
Far Cry 3
Patrick Plourde, Patrik Méthé and Jeffrey Yohalem with Ubisoft Montreal, 2012 for PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 and PC
Videogames of the early 2010s loved selling you dark, violent fantasies and then wagging their finger at you for living out these dark, violent fantasies. But only Far Cry 3 had the audacity to do it in a post-coital context. One of two endings rewards your killing spree with weird first-person thrusting and grunting with warchief Citra Talugmai. Spent and your back, Citra stabs you in the chest, believing she carries your warrior progeny. Yeah.
God of War
by Stig Asmussen with Sony Santa Monica Studio, 2010 for PlayStation 3
Like Heavy Rain, this iconic franchise gets on the list for the awkward use of quicktime events and button prompts to simulate sexual interactions. But whereas Heavy Rain’s infamy stems from its clumsy attempt at mature sophistication, God of War wins for being crass and juvenile. Each installment in the original trilogy features at least one scene of grinding and bumping. I mean I guess this is what sex is for thirteen year olds.
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy
by David Cage with Quantic Dream, 2005 for PlayStation 2 and Xbox
The second entry on this list by would be cinematic auteur David Cage, Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy. Marketed as a “serious interactive drama,” the game focuses on mysterious murders committed by ordinary people going insane. Eventually two of the protagonists, Lucas Kane and Carla Valenti shack it up in one of the most romantic places to shack up: a shipping container with a filthy mattress.
In addition to hitting the uncanny valley, the scene starts off weird when Carla comments on Lucas’s lips, saying they’re frozen, like ice. That’s because, for reasons I won’t get into, Lucas is an undead zombie and he’s I guess… kinda lucky… that Carla gets off making out with cold, dead things? Then we get to watch the two naked marionettes fuse together while audibly uncomfortable voice actors simulate sex noises.
F.E.A.R 2: Project Origin
by Nathan Hendrickson, Peter Wyse and John Zuur Platten with Monolith Productions, 2009 for PC, PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360
The second entry on this list to feature sexual assault of a male protagonist and a grim reminder that the presumably male developers of these games have some hangups. Or kinks. Or both. F.EA.R. 2 continues the saga of creepy psychic girl Alma Wade, who threatens to devour reality with her rage and also make sexual advances upon protagonist Michael Becket.
Ultimately, what Alma wants, Alma gets. As Becket attempts to use a psychic amplifier to destroy Alma, she begins to assault him with terrifying hallucinations. In reality, she is raping Becket’s body in the real world. When the dust settles, Alma presents her pregnant body to Becket allowing him to touch her belly before the game cuts to black. So yeah, what a game.
Dragon Age: Inquisition
by Mike Laidlaw and David Gaider with Bioware Edmonton, 2014 for PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, PlayStation 4, Xbox One and PC
The action adventure role-play games by Bioware are famous for their continuous exploration of sexual relationships. Some land better than others, but sophisticated adult romances are generally guaranteed. Generally speaking, sex scenes in Bioware games are treated seriously, but they’re not above wringing out a few laughs. Sex is funny, and Dragon Age: Inquisiton doesn’t shy away from that.
In Dragon Age: Inquisition, players of any race or gender can pursue a romance with The Iron Bull, a seven-foot mercenary known for his strength and cunning. A true emotional connection can be forged over multiple encounters but not before a hilarious moment when your character’s special counsel walk in one by one on a naked Bull. Stupefied, speechless and embarrassed, it’s one of the best scenes in the entire game.
Mass Effect 3: Citadel
by Michael Gamble and Jonathan Warner with Bioware Edmonton and Bioware Montreal, 2013 for Xbox 360, PC and PlayStation 3
The best, weirdest and most hilarious sex scene in videogaming is the shortest and from a series where you can sleep with men, women, bird aliens, fish aliens, lizard aliens, etc. After a raucous night of pre-apocalpyse partying, your protagonist can wake up from a one night stand with Javik, a millennia old super soldier. Javik declares the night as proof that there’s at least one thing primitives are good at.
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