“It’s quarantine na naman?” “When will this pandemic end kaya? Can it like…stop?” If you’ve heard anyone who speaks like this before, for sure you know that you’ve come across a true blue conyo. Though the term “coño” is actually derogatory Spanish slang for the female genitalia, conyo is now generally used to refer to the niche community of individuals from upper-middle to upper-income families who often live in gated communities in Alabang or Whiteplains, own the latest iPhone gadgets, speak with a twang as if they have just installed dental braces, and can’t resist not adding “like” for at least every five words they say.
Whether done naturally or only for satirical impressions, this manner of speaking is so nakakatawa talaga that it’s now common to see Aling Marites removing malunggay leaves while talking about walk-in closets in accented English. If you want to hear more of those, here are 8 of the up-and-coming comedians in TikTok who show how speaking in conyo is properly done.
Rain Matienzo (the conyo courtside reporter from UP)
@rainmatienzothe hardest part is acting like we don’t already know when you tell us 😀♬ original sound – Rain Matienzo – Rain | ig: @rainmatienzo 🦋
Everyone’s had the privilege/pain of being grouped with a grade-conscious overachiever who wouldn’t think twice before kicking you out of the group. Rain Matienzo swiftly changes personas from that overbearing groupmate to your boyfriend’s one possessive girl “friend”, to a pabebe teenager giving her short sweet speech for her friend debutante’s 18 Treasures program. And because her Instagram stalking skills are CIA levels, she could easily set you up on a date with your crush from the basketball team.
Macoy Dubs (your conyo tita from Poveda)
@macoydubsProper etiquette when talking to the waiters or waitresses. Love, Julie♬ original sound – Macoy Dubs
If you still don’t know Macoy Dubs, you must be living under a rock. As Tita Julie, he personifies the typical tita of Manila — and a really progressive one, at that. She generously gives dating advice to her LGBT son, Robert, and supports him in all his “endeavors.” She regularly attends online Zoom reunions with her amigas from Poveda. She wears big pearls, tips excessively on drivers, and is one of the biggest donors in White Plains Chapel. She’s not the type of tita you’d miss getting a mano from during Christmas because who knows, she might just fund your tuition for the next semester.
Justine Luzares (the judgmental neighbor with a British accent)
@justine_luzaresDid you miss her? Alright you know the drill 😉😉😉♬ original sound – Sound_Deposit
Okay, so Justine isn’t exactly conyo here, but we just had to include her for that impeccable Queen’s English accent. Just close your eyes and you’d think this chismosa drama was playing out on The Crown! Follow Justine to see this character secretly judging a neighbor who just availed of the government’s cash assistance program. And if you’re planning to make utang a sardinas in the sari-sari store, make sure Justine doesn’t see it or else you’ll hear him mumble…”the audacity, indeed.”
sammi (your typical Gen Z conyo)
@swaggisammi420ib: @kimady_ (go watch their version it’s so funny😭) ##fyp ##tiktokph♬ original sound – sammi ☻
Want to sound like the real deal? Take your cue from Swaggi Sammi, who’s more than willing to share her knowledge on how to properly speak conyo. In fact, she has a step-by-step tutorial of how to ace that conyo accent. When someone asks her if she’s conyo, she just responds “no naman.”
Luxinfer (the conyo matchmaker)
@lxciferwrldIts always the chinitas istg♬ original sound – Luxinfer!
There are plenty of conyo “dude, pareh, chong” in TikTok nowadays. Luxinfer takes the helm for being that smooth, swaggy schoolboy who often goes to parties and makes reto of his chinita crush to his friends. He doesn’t keep his crushes to himself, he helps his friends get a date and warns them about her family’s Great Wall. But if he gets a date for himself, he makes sure he’s paying for it all.
Reb Atadero (audition boy with a twang)
@rebrangerTop secret audition tape. ##fyp ##foryoupage ##filipinohumor ##audition ##harrypotter ##theatre ##philippinetheater ##tiktokph♬ Harry Potter – The Intermezzo Orchestra
Reb Atadero is a voice actor, singer, and event host. He’s mastered the different variations of the American accent and would probably pass as a native speaker. But just recently, he showed us this conyo persona, and we’re living for it. Here, he shows a conyo kid applying for casting calls for movies like Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and Lion King. So next time you cast that spell by Hermione Granger, make sure you say it as “Wingardium Levio-shah.”
Jalenwithlove (the Bisaya conyo)
@jalenwithloveNamerese tang bisdak kaayo ##tikok ##cebuano ##fyp ##bisaya ##xyzbca ##bisdak ##fypシ ##meresistorytime ##foryou ##tiktokphilippines ##davaoconyo♬ original sound – Jalenwithlove
Even Cebuano-speaking people from Davao, Cebu, and CDO have their own versions of the conyo accent. There are nuances to the conyo identity — who knew?
@Joch (the ultimate conyo boy)
@wydjotchgUlAHmAhn 🤠 ##fyp ##fypシ ##conyoseries ##xyzbca ##idkwhattohashtag ##myONLYFAN♬ original sound – joch
Perhaps, save the best for the last? Joch’s TikTok video has been pretty much all over social media because of his famous impression of a conyo dude who’s always down to go to BGC to look for some “shawtttties, parrrreh.” We can tell he’s a real-life conyo, but his multi-faceted conyo persona is so wide. And honestly, we wouldn’t mind having him as a friend — he’s more than willing to spot you when you’re low on cash.
Are you also fluent in conyo? Tag your friends who also call kwek-kwek as “egg waffles.”
