Ass-Blasters Anonymous: 8 Different Types of Farts

What exactly are farts? Farts are cocktails of trapped air—air you swallow when you’re eating and drinking, air that seeped into our intestines from our blood, and air that’s produced by the bacteria and chemical reactions in our intestines. Once the gas builds up, the body forces it out. Through where? Your bunghole.

Flatulence is good, kind of. Regular farting shows that you get enough fiber in your diet. But what about the smell? The terrible, day-ruining stench comes from compounds containing sulfur. Sulfur not from hell but from dairy or any food containing lactose, like vegetables such as broccoli and cauliflower, and high-sugar fruits like bananas and prunes. But surprisingly, most of the gas we blast is odorless. It’s just carbon dioxide and other gases with no known odors like hydrogen and methane.

How many kinds of farts are there? A person farts around 10 times a day,  on average, and not all of them have the same consistency. Lucky for you, we put our research and journalism skills to the test finding out which one’s which. You know, the ones you unleash in the MRT, or at a meeting with your boss, or when you have your headphones on.

You think you know what’s happening next. You think you know the type of fart that you’re about to let out. But all of a sudden, like a terrible movie plot twist, things take a turn from okay to embarrassing. You just soiled your undies.

This one’s quiet enough to blame on the dog. “Me? It was the dog. How dare you. I am so insulted. I am never speaking to you again.”

The Atom Bomb is loud and smelly. Perfect for bragging and establishing/marking your territory. This fart is the perfect way of saying “yeah, that’s right. This is my town now. I own you.” Or, really, that you’re secure enough with your relationships to not care, to even think that it could be funny. This is the kind of fart that all other farts aspire to be.

The firecracker fart is a special thing to behold. It is characterized by the number and transition of diverse noises of pops and bangs. And when you think it’s over, your body lets out a few more pops. Or bangs. Given the right audience, it can garner a standing ovation. For obvious reasons, this one’s also known as a machine gun fart.

The Dutch Oven is a fart you save for when you’re between the sheets. Literally. This happens more common among couples, when the farter grasps the fartee’s head and keeps it under the sheets for full appreciation of a fart’s musky notes and nutty undertones. We don’t advise new couples to try this out, as it’s a known effective tactic to hasten the breakup process.

An underwater fart is a rare occurrence (depending on how much time you spend in water). When it happens, it’s simply magical. It’s almost like giving birth to an air baby! It’s the kind that’s robust enough to be bubbly. It’s usually the result of the bather achieving nirvana or reaching a higher plane of existence.

Similar to the Plot Twist, this one results to a squishy brown/mocha/cinnamon swirl surprise, except this one lets you know that it’s coming. But you just can’t help it.

A product of last night’s burritos, tacos, nachos and cervezas, the Mexican fart is a spicy one. It burns and tears you hiney hole as it comes out. Muy caliente! The Mexican fart is probably the smelliest and most (personally-)satisfying kind of fart.

These are just some of the different kinds of farts recently discovered by scientists in the 20th century. With the continuous advancements in technology, mankind is blessed as we get to explore the deep and vast realm of flatulence.

How about you? What’s your favorite fart/ass blaster/anal volcano/ass thunder/ass whistle/backdoor breeze? Sound off in the comments below!