In what could only be the head-scratcher of the year, the solicitor general has recently defended one of the few things everyone in the Philippines agreed was totally guilty: Janet Napoles. Well, a statement like that has ramifications, and we’re here to get to the bottom of it.
Let’s face it: If we’re going to let Janet Napoles walk, we may as well let these other people walk:
Every single implicated politician in the pork barrel scam
Notorious For: Every single politician, over a hundred of them named, by last count, should now be allowed to go free, regardless of how much money they apparently stole from our coffers.
Why Not: Well, duh. They stole our money.
But Then: Bong Revilla has MMFF entries to make. Somebody free that man!
Norberto Manero, Jr.
Notorious For: Multiple crimes, but most heinous of them all, eating a priest’s brains.
Why Not: Technically, he’s been free since 2008, but that’s only an act of clemency, not a reversal of his guilt. He’s been handling Manny Pacquiao’s cocks (heh) ever since. But c’mon! Why are we letting this guy run around?
But Then: He ate a priest’s brains. This assures Manero that he will have nothing but holy thoughts for the rest of his life.
Notorious For: Petty thievery that graduated to a massive prison riot that claimed the lives of ten inmates.
Why Not: For starters, he’s dead.
But Then: Robin Padilla played him in a movie, so we need to let him go.
Notorious For: Convicted for kidnapping and carjacking in 2009, Sebastian rose among the ranks of the prisoners in Bilibid to become the head of the Sigue Sigue Commando gang in prison. Dude even has his own TV channel within the prison walls.
Why Not: For starters, nobody’s disputing the crimes that landed him in prison, and there’s little in the way of clearing him of the crimes he allegedly did while he was already in prison. That’s not repentant criminal material right there.
But Then: He has his own TV channel!
Notorious For: Being an alleged drug lord. While in prison.
Why Not: He’s a frigging drug lord. Operating in prison.
But Then: If Janet Napoles is “innocent,” then why wouldn’t a guy who probably has twenty other people with exactly the same name? Could be a case of mistaken identity, for all we know.
Claudio Teehankee, Jr.
Notorious For: Convicted of murder, homicide, and attempted murder in 1995, and son of a former chief justice.
Why Not: The enormity of his crimes being ghastly enough to restore the death penalty should be enough to keep him behind bars for the rest of his life.
But Then: Except for the part where he was actually released in 2008, because Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Go figure.
Notorious For: His horrific tenure as DOTC secretary during the Aquino administration. The cases being filed against him have only just begun.
Why Not: Why would we let this guy go free? He pretty much screwed our traffic situation over, as if it weren’t already bad enough, thanks to his stupid ideas and bumbling incompetence.
But Then: Where would he go in this traffic if we let him go free, anyways, right? Let him lie in his own bed.
Notorious For: Forever ruining the Naked Gun franchise. You know why.
Why Not: Because he has as little to do with Janet Napoles as one could possibly imagine.
But Then: A world as crazy as this to potentially let Napoles go is a world where OJ Simpson running free looks perfectly normal in contrast.
Who else do you think we should let loose? Let us know below!