The Pasaway Millennial’s Guide
to Surviving the Duterte Administration
By Samir Belmiro
Pasaway: adj. “Someone who mischievously insists on behaving contrary to what is expected in a situation, almost as if purposely baiting to be told not to.”
There are too many pasaways in this world. From children to full-fledged adults, people have been or continue to be pasaways in their own rights. And with the new Duterte administration eyeing to ground and pound both legal and illegal pasaway activities—as part of its thrust of bringing chains, este, change to the country—it is highly possible that our good ol’ days are numbered, most especially for Filennials.
But it’s not the end of the world. For all we know, putting the rights to have (excessive) fun into perspective—if his Excellency’s policies go nationwide—could also be for the greater good…or not. Either way, it’s always good to be prepared, so here are a few ways to adapt your pasaway ways during this imminent period of change.
8. On Drinking
Let’s start off with one of the favorites: NO PUBLIC CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL AFTER 1:00AM.
Believe me, the first time it was announced, I think it was around breakfast time at work. I suddenly felt a bit “sick” and I told HR that I needed to get treated right away—so, yes, I treated myself to happy hour. Burp.
But that’s just silly old me with my exaggerated sensitivity whenever I feel like my freedom to down bottles more than I can consume is threatened.
“He’s got to be kidding, right!?”
“Eh papunta pa lang akong gimikan niyan eh!”
“The cool kids come in at witching hour, doesn’t he know!?”
“I don’t want to drink within my vicinity, sawa na ako sa Emperador Light at Gin Bilog buffet!”
Well, we can’t do anything about it if it gets mandated, buddy.
SUGGESTION: If you really need alcohol in your system and you prefer doing it outside, then work fast to drink earlier and harder. If possible, finish your tasks efficiently and reward yourself with booze even if the sun’s still high up, so by the time you need to stop drinking in public at 1:00AM, you’ll already be fast asleep and ready for the next day! Another option is to stay indoors flying solo or with the rest of the crew! Better yet, go digital and coordinate with your drinking buddies via a Skype drinking session. Boom! Got that? Cheers… and tables!
7. On Curfew
A fitting anthem for the underaged could be Wiz Khalifa’s chart-topping hit Young, Wild & Free. Indeed, being kids and being in their element are just some of the things they deserve. However, if we’re talking about unaccompanied minors roaming the streets of the Philippines—where anything from getting stabbed to getting flashed can occur—past 10pm, then things can pretty much turn into young, wild, kidnapped and dead.
Of course, this thing about curfew will still go through legalities and formalities, despite being implemented years ago, but a handful of local governments have already taken the liberty of taking into custody a handful of loitering kids. Let’s try to avoid that.
SUGGESTION: The secret here is to find a way to expend the kids’ excess energies. They roam around at night because they’re just too full of beans to even think of sleep yet (if nothing’s good on TV). Well, we can fix that! What are those barangay basketball courts, for? Let’s have all barangays in the country hold an open-to-all-kids, come one, come all hoops-fest, every night (6 to 10 only), all year.
In between, we can turn said courts into a parkour or skateboard courses and let them bounce & roll around in there until they’re exhausted. Throw in some mixed-martial arts clinics and even group dance-offs just for fun and to twerk off some more of that juvenile juice. The point here is that there should be always something, every day to syphon off all that youthful energy until dinner time (providing they do their homework) so that they’d want to do nothing else afterwards but hit the sack.
6. On Partying
Going to clubs to party is a lot of fun, but it’s also one of the most common places where shit and all other sketchy shenanigans can go down. Nowadays, clubs and party venues are infested with anti-drug agents on the look-out for illegal narcotics and people suspected to be intoxicated. Now, even if you’re in a club for good, clean fun, it’s hard to bust a move when there are people constantly looking over your shoulder, right? It creates an air of paranoia that sucks all the joy from the room.
SUGGESTION: Bring back the good old house party scene. Similar to drinking, setting up an indoor party within private property can take away a lot of stress and apprehension. People are safer and it’s more comfortable (unless you go all Project X and burn houses to the ground). A few problems here are noise, parking, and traffic, so gather all of the world’s egg cartons for sound-proofing, inform your village association that you’ll be throwing a Gatsby-like event at your home, and remind everyone to just carpool or Uber to avoid the hassle. So, let us join us and let the fun begun!
5. On Gambling
Now, this is probably a longshot, but with the recent issues surrounding gambling and casinos, it’s good to be prepared if backlash hits all the sugaleros out there. Of course, gamblers don’t just gamble in casinos all day long—high rollers are fully-loaded due to whatever money-making business they’re into and they can also be good with numbers and financial trends. But if this sideline of theirs is compromised, there are a lot of other activities they can redirect their attentions to.
SUGGESTION: Become math teachers or financial advisors! Share your knowledge of numbers with the rest of the population! If not, take your gambling obsession down a notch and organize the first barangay level Pusoy Dos/Tong-its Championships for a good cause! I can also see a potential of becoming magicians since you’re probably skilled in manipulating a deck of cards, anyway.
Or as risk-taking hustlers, I heard Papa Jack is retiring soon and his followers will need a new love advisor for calculated moves when it comes to the matters of the heart.
4. On Driving
Another speculated rule that will be implemented is the 60kph driving speed limit. Not that it matters since you know, Carmageddon reigns supreme. But for the times that the roads are empty and you want to feel a rush by making trouble on the road, other outlets are available for all you speedsters.
SUGGESTION: Take it to the tracks and be the next Ricky Bobby, Mad Max Rockatansky, Speed Racer, or the Schumacher of Filipino race car drivers. Otherwise, you have to fight the urge of going fast, brotha, lest you face public shaming on Top Gear. Unless you become a UV Express driver with a knack for finding ways to get reckless regardless of any traffic situation and still get featured on Top Gear.
3. On Family Planning
It is also rumored that a three-child policy is in the works to help address the overflowing population and alleviate poverty. So…where do we go from here? What about ‘em raging hormones and unplanned pregnancies? Let’s see.
SUGGESTION: Mic check, one, two. Testicles, left, right. No, we will not recommend or suggest abortion. F that! If you can’t stop being horny rabbits, at least go through proper family planning methods as well as learn about contraception. Sex ed, people!
As a last resort to control your insatiable carnal thirst, you can ask Belo or your local butcher-slash-mantutuli to turn you into Varys the eunuch.
2. On Karaoke-ing
This one’s bloody, always have and always will be. NO KARAOKE-ING PAST 10PM. Yes, we get it—your life and culture are both facing death penalties here. So, what’s going to happen to all you Drunk Sinatras when you can’t harass your neighbor’s ear drums?
SUGGESTION: Take you vocal talents to town! By all means join a talent show or something. There are a ton of vocal search contests and who knows, you may be the next big star! Become the vocalist of a band, join the choir, be a blind singer-slash-beggar, or better yet, build your own digital KTV empire that all the other jukebox kings and queens can call home!
1. On Drugs
A cook, a heavy user, a “responsible” user, a pusher, a distributor, a dealer and a Breaking Bad/Narcos fanatic? Turn your addiction into something beautiful because ika nga ni President Digong, “I HATE DRRRRUGZ!” and you don’t want to die just yet, yeah?
SUGGESTION: For the cooks, why don’t you try the culinary industry? I’m sure there’s a master chef inside of you. There’s also a demand for chemists—maybe in that field you can also succeed! For the ones who love crystal or “bato,” there’s a career in landscaping! You can also become a maestro like Michaelangelo, sculpting stones like a boss. For those who love the green life and are into grass, please, get into innovative agriculture. Become a farmer or a gardener, be one with nature. For the ones on the business side, you can get into sales, marketing and public relations! Medical representatives and pharmacists are also good career choices.
Still won’t cave in? Just become an artist or something, make good use of your skillful knowledge about all the other dimensions you’ve been to!
So, if change is really coming, then adaptation is the key. Go on and continue to have fun, do your thing and indulge yourself. Just don’t let your pasaway ways be the reason why you pass away. Get it?
Know any other work arounds? Help a fellow pasaway out by sharing them in the comments section!