This Week in Weird News:
Zombie Attack Edition
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey weird team! The weather’s been extra mean lately; sunny one minute, pouring a deluge of water the next. It’s as if the weather wants to make sure we’re caught off-guard so we have to get stuck in traffic for hours, or walk home drenched and with wet socks (which is a form of torture).
This week’s been pretty interesting too. We caught a bunch of parties on Twitter, President Duterte and Senator De Lima continue to butt heads, and the Olympics are still in full swing.
Weirdness didn’t take a break either, starting with:
8. Dad mistakenly eats pot brownies, gets super high and says mean things to cat
In Omaha, police had to investigate an accidental overdose of marijuana. Police say that a 53-year old man was unloading groceries and found some brownies in the backseat of a car that his children used earlier in the day. The only problem is that these weren’t ordinary brownies, and the father ate four of them. FOUR.
The Omaha World Herald reports that the man’s wife noticed that he was suffering from “bad anxiety.” She tried to call her kids and ask what was in the brownies, but didn’t get a response. As police investigated, one of the children said the brownies belonged to one of his siblings, and that he was “pretty sure it was just marijuana in the brownies.”
When paramedics arrived, they noticed the father was acting strange—crawling around the floor, uttering random profanities and calling the family cat a “bitch.” Paramedics also noted that the man’s vital signs were normal, and helped him into bed after.
That is one heavy trip, and that cat must have been a huge asshole for someone that high to call it a bitch.
7. Nude statues of Donald Trump are getting erected in the U.S.
s/o to whoever installed this Trump statue in Union Square last night pic.twitter.com/Cldd4qkgyI
— JamesMichael Nichols (@jamesmichael) August 18, 2016
The US presidential elections are getting ugly with allegations being thrown between the camps of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. So far, the Donald is being more prominently featured in the news, and not in a good way. His campaign is constantly undergoing major shakeups and staff members keep getting replaced.
To add salt to the candidate’s wounds, an activist group has been putting up nude statues of Trump in at least five major cities in the US. It shows Donald in his naked glory, all veiny with macaroni-looking pubes that almost match his tuft of hair. As a shot against his alleged small hands and “manhood,” a plaque at the statue’s feet reads “The emperor has no balls.”
Why the tiny penis and lack of testicles on the statue? Speaking to The Huffington Post, Indecline says, “We decided to depict Trump without his balls because we refuse to acknowledge that he is a man. He is a small arrogant child and thus, has nothing in the way of testicles.”
We apologize for the nightmares you’ll be having from having the statue burned into your dreams forever.
6. US pastor who believes natural disasters are sent by God to punish gays, flees flooded home
US pastor Tony Perkins, who has made the news for saying natural disasters are sent by God to punish homosexuals, has fled his flooded home in Louisiana, reports BBC. Sharing photos on Facebook and speaking in a podcast, Perkins revealed that he had to leave his home with his family via canoe. He also mentioned that there was 10 feet of water at the end of his driveway and that his entire house was flooded.
In 2015, he said Hurricane Joaquin (which severely hit Hawaii) was a sign that God is upset over the legalization of gay marriage and abortion and the relationship between the UN and Israel.
Maybe God is trying to send him a message? Maybe this is God’s way of saying karma is real, and this is punishment for being a total asshole who suffers from diarrhea of the mouth.
5. This is the wildest ramen commercial ever made, and if you disagree, you’re lying
The video above may very well be the most insane ramen commercial ever made. Aptly titled “SamuraiDroneCatIdolSuperhumanRubeGoldbergViewerWarningTooExplosiveHighSchoolGirl” should already give you an idea of what to expect in this ad for Nissin Chikin Ramen.
This ad has everything—from an ass-kicking Japanese schoolgirl, parkour, zombies, idol singers, and “six hidden eating champions,” whatever that means.
Hopefully the next time we make some instant ramen, this kind of excitement happens. Because the fact that instant ramen is unhealthy and takes a while for the body to digest isn’t exactly our idea of fun.
Speaking of “not our idea of fun”…
4. Man suspected of having sex with van
In Ohio, a man is facing indecency charges after witnesses saw him trying to have sex with a van’s grill.
The police report states that officers found a man pulling his pants down and swinging on a stop sign. The man in question, 35-year old Michael Henson, was seen wearing only black gym shorts and shoes, and appeared to be intoxicated.
The woman who called the police said she saw Henson pull his pants down and put his genitals in the parked van’s front grill, passing out in a nearby yard shortly after.
It’s unfathomable the amount of harassment and indecent looks vans get in the first place, and now this?
3. Couple wearing pig masks shoot lasers on teens playing Pokémon Go, proceed to have sex behind waterwheel after
In central Sweden, teen siblings playing Pokemon Go had their fun grind to a halt when a couple wearing pig masks showed up and scared them off. Speaking to the police, the teenagers’ mother said “they wore rubber masks depicting pigs’ heads and they started screaming and waving a green laser.” The laser hit one of the teens’ faces and they both ran back home unharmed.
The masked couple, who also wore shirts with the words “king” and “queen,” were later spotted by motorists having sex behind a waterwheel. The couple’s identity and whereabouts remain unknown.
Damn. Can’t a masked couple be left alone while they have sex behind a waterwheel? Kids today have no respect.
2. Woman sets world record for 17-month long pregnancy
In China, a woman has set a world record for her 17-month long (and still counting) pregnancy. The woman, Wang Shi, became pregnant February of last year. Her due date was Nov. 15, but the child somehow wasn’t able to be released in this world. Given the weirdness and happenings in the world, we’re not surprised.
Given this is an unnatural occurrence, Wang went to the doctor every 10 days after her due date. Doctors can’t explain the reason for the delay, but notes that Wang is in good physical condition.
She’s probably expecting twins—that’s why it’s taking so long.
1. Man stabs couple and eat’s man’s face in “zombie attack”
In Florida, 19-year old University of Florida student Austin Harrouff (pictured above) killed a couple and was found eating the man’s face when police arrived on the scene. A deputy tried to subdue the suspect with a stun gun but was unsuccessful. It took four deputies and a K-9 to pry Harrouff off the man and arrest him.
Police found the man’s wife in the garage, where they said there was “an enormous amount of violence” and that Harrouff used “weapons of opportunity” to attack the couple, John Stevens III and Michelle Mishcon. The neighbor who called the police and tried to intervene also got stabbed and got seriously injured, but is expected to recover.
Police have also described the incident as a random and unprovoked attack.
What weird stuff is happening on your end of the web?