8 Gods Who are,
Well…
By Kel Fabie
Ancient mythology is rife with stories about gods that ruled over the world. The age of mythology has yielded plenty of tales that reflect the adventures, and yes, misadventures, of these so-called gods.
In fact, based on the things these deities did in the course of their stories, you would think that, indeed, some of these gods are actually not too bright.
No, this list has nothing to do with current events, whatsoever. It’s a retrospective into mythology and the amusing stories our classes often leave out. Whatever gave you such an idea?
8. Koalemos
Origin: Greek
Koalemos is literally known as the god of stupidity, so it goes without saying that this is one god who is definitely all about stupidity. He’s only mentioned a few times in mythology, so there aren’t any actual stories about him going around, which is too bad. How exactly did he earn the title “god of stupidity?” What were his qualifications? Inquiring minds need to know!
7. Sekhmet
Origin: Egyptian
Often regarded as a warrior goddess, Sekhmet is infamous for having gone on a rampage upon a sinful populace in lion form, only for the other gods to take pity on the humans. By turning a lake blood-red with wine, the blood-thirsty Sekhmet ended up drinking the entire lake, resulting in what was probably the biggest hangover in mythological history. How long did it take Sekhmet to even realize it wasn’t blood she was drinking? Did she even care?
To add insult to injury, Sekhmet woke up as a cow, and she was known as Hathor in this form. Apparently, this god turned so stupid, she forgot her own name.
6. Masaka-Akatsu-Kachihayahi-Ame-no-Oshihomimi-no-Mikoto
Origin: Japanese
He is the father of one of the main deities in Japanese mythology: Ame-nigishi-kuni-nigishi-amatsuhi-kohiko-ho-no-ninigi-no-Mikoto, or Ninigi for short.
Given that Oshihomimi already knows how much of a pain it is to have a ridiculously long name, how much of an idiot does he have to be to name his kid even longer?!? Can you imagine the application forms he’d have to fill in, and all those exams where he can’t even fit his name in the provided blocks? What a nightmare. You would think his dad would be more sympathetic to his plight, but tough luck. Clearly, Masaka-Akatsu-Kachihayahi-Ame-no-Oshihomimi-no-Mikoto is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
5. Epimetheus
Origin: Greek
Known as the brother of Prometheus, Epimetheus is the one who gifted animals with everything: fangs, claws, wings, horns, incredible strength – all while leaving humans with nothing. This forced Prometheus to steal the secret of fire and give it to humans, just so they have a chance to survive. Epimetheus is often ridiculed because based on the etymology of his name, he is an “afterthought” (as opposed to Prometheus, the “forethought.”), as he acts before he thinks. Truly, the hallmark of dim-wittedness.
And, oh. In some versions, Epimetheus also left Pandora’s box, filled with all the horrors of the world, unlocked and out in the open. This guy! Seriously.
4. Ilmatar
Origin: Finnish
Most creation stories have a god with a concrete idea in mind, and a grand design. Sometimes, it’s upset, whether by a serpent, or some other outside factor, but often, there is a plan behind the creation of the world.
Ilmatar is not quite the same, as while handling some eggs (It’s a long story, okay?), they bounced off her knee and cracked, and formed all the islands and skies, and the people from it eventually. Thank this god for her ineptitude, then, because we wouldn’t exist otherwise!
3. Azathoth
Origin: Lovecraftian
Azathoth is the ruler of the Outer Gods in Cthulhu mythology. He is, among other titles, referred to as the “Blind Idiot God.” He created reality by accident, and will be equally oblivious when he destroys it. Don’t let his apparent stupidity fool you, though, because his Mindless Ones are indeed dangerous entities, and in Lovecraftian mythology, “mindless” humans aren’t just stupid, they’re clinically insane. To have that kind of power is no joke. Clearly, ignorance, when in the hands of a god, results in far from bliss.
2. Kumbhakarna
Origin: Hindu
Kumbahakarna is a Rakshasa, and as a maneater, has godlike strength on his own. After a long time of yoga and penance, he then asked Brahma, the Creator, for Nithyatvam (immortality). Unfortunately, he got tongue-tied with thanks to Saraswati, and instead wished for Nitratvam (sleep), which resulted in his slumber for six months.
1. Höðr
Origin: Norse
Imagine, if you will, that you are a god who happened to be blind, and you heard that one of your brothers was now completely invincible to everything, except maybe one thing, because while every single person and thing in the Nine Realms promised that no harm would come to Balder, the lowly mistletoe made no such promise.
Now imagine that Loki, the one you know as the god of frigging Mischief, handed you an item to throw at Balder. And you, as a blind deity, not only have zero aim, but zero idea what would happen, in the first place, since you’re blind, and it wouldn’t amuse you if whatever you chucked at Balder bounced off him, because, get this, you can’t see a thing. But you tossed whatever it was Loki gave you, promptly killing Balder on the spot.
Then your dad, Odin creates a new brother, Váli, who grows to adulthood in a day and murders the shit out of you. Because you’re so dumb, even your own dad thinks you deserve to die. That’s how much of a moron Höðr truly is.
Can you name other such gods? Share them with us below!
