8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date a Millennial Man(child)

Based on the last few years of dating in Manila, I can tell you first hand that on the whole, it pretty much sucks. The advent of smartphones has pretty much nailed the lid on the coffin—don’t kid yourself by thinking that you’re going to find The One on Tinder. If you found your partner while you were both still texting “ü” smileys to each other on your Nokias, congratulations, and I’m looking forward to attending your wedding via Instagram.

Sadly, the modern Millenial manchild isn’t one that evolved with mature relationships based on mutual respect in mind, and here are 8 reasons why:

If you’ve ever been on a date where the guy spent half the time on his screen, you know this to be true. He’s officially a slave to his gadget, and while you’re hooked on Pinterest and curating your Instagram account, at least you had the grace to put your phone away for the duration of your meal. Wait, did he really just take (and post) a selfie? And log in to FourSquare? Does anyone even use FourSquare anymore?

Chances are, you’ll only find out how your date went based on his reviews on Looloo.

Silly, naïve thing you are. You’ll fall hook, line and sucker and believe that he’s seen your favorite films and read your favorite books but he’s really only searched them on IMDB and Wikipedia. That is, if he even bothers to feign enough interest to look them up at all.

You will come to the sad realization that on most days, he will be better dressed than you. Whether it’s because he drops more $$$ on socks than you do on entire outfits or because he spends more time thinking about it in the morning, the sad truth is that you will sit through long conversations about getting the right wear on wingtips and how to clean suede. Sometimes his shorts might even be shorter than yours, and he will never lend you a shirt because it will throw his wardrobe off balance.

He’d rather save up for car things (or socks, or gear for his GoPro for his selfies) than take you out on an actual date. If you two manage to get past the dating phase into an actual relationship, you run the risk of turning into a vapid, materialistic, consumerist lemming, just like him. That, and your place would be 80% his stuff, 10% appliances, with the remaining being your things. Do you really want to receive new LEDs for his car on your birthday?

You will not understand his taste in music—okay, this might be your fault, because you haven’t updated your iTunes since 2009, but wow, people actually like EDM? And all this time you thought it was a contraction for edamame. At least you’re broadening your cultural horizons… sort of.

He will never commit to you, because he always has one eye on the door, checking out every girl that walks in. The Millenial Manchild was promised great things in his rearing, which makes him feel entitled, and is thus constantly waiting for someone better (read: someone hotter) to come along. Getting an actual answer to something as simple as “Are We Dating?” will be worse than pulling teeth, and is guaranteed to give you weeks of paranoid, erratic behavior.

He’s all over social media—and all over your common friends. If you decide to save yourself the trouble and walk away, it won’t feel like you did, really, because you’re still subject to his selfies with friends and other girls(!) on all your social media accounts. Depending on the guy, you might even know what he’s having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, even his private thoughts at 2AM, which, when you think about it, is more substantial than all your dates combined.

And let’s face it—Manila, as full of people as it is, is a pretty small place. Social circles always overlap, which means that a certain percentage of the parties you attend will have him there. There, getting people to try beer from his favorite microbrewery and flirting with everything in sight.

Thanks to your extremely close relationship on the interwebz, you will know about every girl he hangs out with and eventually, everything about the new girl he’s seeing. The new girl, who has succeeded in making him commit because she’s just graduated from med school and spends her weekends doing charity work. Or the new girl, who’s about as interesting (and attractive) as your big toe.

While I will concede that there are actual Millenial men out there who are worth a first, second, third, and forever date, most are just more trouble than they’re worth. Save yourself the head and heartache and pray that your next date is with someone who only uses his Facebook account to check the news or for cute animal and baby videos, or doesn’t have a Facebook account at all.

What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments!