Multiple variants came out early Monday morning on how to play a drinking game while watching President Duterte’s State of the Nation Address. While there were multiple rules, most of them wanted us to take in some alcohol whenever the president would do one of the following things: go wildly off-script, say a curse word, attack his critics, threaten to kill someone, talk about killing people, justify martial law, justify the drug war, rant about drugs, rant about the media, rant about America, sing China’s praises, or remind people that he is from Mindanao. Obligatory drinks were also awarded to the possibility of a rape joke, an unflattering camera angle courtesy of Brillante Mendoza’s direction, or a moment of flabbergast from the designated sign language interpreter at the bottom of the screen.
Despite the fact that I am straight edge and do not drink, I have decided to take part in the festivities to deliver this list to you today. Consider that I have a very high tolerance for alcohol when I make this warning: do not ever try to play this drinking game. Here are 8 reasons why you shouldn’t.
He lulls you into a sense of complacency.
Contrary to most of the president’s speeches, this year’s SONA starts off pretty easy. He seems to be on-script for the first ten minutes, at which point he starts talking about the drug menace, and that familiar glint in his eyes whenever he is clearly shooting from the hip comes alive. At this point, I’m a couple of sips in, but nothing problematic so far.
Then, he slowly ramps things up.
About 30 minutes in, he opens with his first cuss word: leche. Not bad, a lot of restraint there, and something I wouldn’t even take a shot for. But less than 20 seconds later, he follows it up with his first “p****** ina” for the speech, and I realize that I’ve been had. At this point, I haven’t really taken in a lot of alcohol yet, but I needed to sigh and brace myself. That “soft promise” of a 50-minute speech wasn’t going to come to fruition if he’s already half an hour in without a single word about what he plans to do for the rest of his term. Uh-oh.
You begin to miss some details.
While playing this drinking game, I was also playing a game of SONA Bingo, brought to us by our friends from So What’s News.
It’s time to play #SONA2017 BINGO! pic.twitter.com/Z51FVlMyzo
— So, What’s News? (@SoWhatsNews) July 24, 2017
While trying my best to pay attention to his speech, time begins to slowwwww down for me, and I ended up having a hard time keeping track of things he actually said during the speech, vis-a-vis things he once said somewhere else merely playing back in my head. Soemtihng was definitely going wrong with this experiment.
You enter “the zone,” but not the good kind.
Remember how athletes claim to feel when they’re in “the zone?” They talk about how they feel they can do no worng, and taht time slows down for them while they still feel like they are moving at normal speed. Well, as the alcohol slowly takes over for you, your perception of Digong’s speech starts becoming a lot like that comical slow-mo voice you always hear in movies. After a long, unexpected tirade about the mining industry, the president suddenly attacks Rappler for no apparent reason. Or did he do it in the middle of his mining rant? I’m not sure anymore.
Your sense of humor becomes wildly inappropriate.
While I doubt I would have found myself laughing my head off if the president made a rape joke during the SONA (Or did he make one? I don’t know anymore.), I found myself laughing randomly at the hand gestures of the interpreter, particularly when it seemed he was just as much at a loss at what was happening as I was.
the duality of man pic.twitter.com/bXHLYIzcss
— migs (@helloitsmigs) July 24, 2017
I may have also laughed when the audience actually applauded when the President once again declared that he has killed before, but it may have been a laugh of existential resignation that this is the world we live in now.
But what is real?
I mean, yeah? How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real, right?
I think I was having this eureka moment around the fifth time he dropped a “p***** ina,” becuase his second hour quickly went wayyy off the rales. He wazh justh. All. Over. The. Place. Script? What script?
But hot damn. What is real, really? What if everything is just a dream or something? What if I’m just a dream? Whoah.
But wait!
How much alcohol have I ingested by now? He’s not doen yt<? Oh, lordy. Hey! He just denied a raise to government officials! Historically, that’s like the opposite way to make sure corruption dosen’t happn again! Did he just talk about asking China for help? Fine. Anoverr shot, thennnn. May as well make it tehree four good meazure…
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What were you drunk on? Tell us below!
