A wise woman once said, “dasal lang, dasal lang talaga.” And when you look around—skim the headlines, scroll through your social media timelines—you would tend to agree. Because, no mortal can answer your perennial question “ano na nangyayari sa world?”
It’s hard to survive a day unscathed without intervention—divine intervention. The things happening in the world are so crazy it would sometimes take a miracle to understand how the hell in heavens they happened.
And miracle we shall ask. Like the Justice League with their specialized superpowers, here are saints that you can call upon during some greater-than-thou situations concerning their “specialties.”
Saint Walter of Pontoise | Stress
For someone who had to avoid responsibilities repeatedly, St. Walter understands why we often blurt, “ibang level na ang stress, besh.” King Philip I appointed him abbot of a new foundation at Pontoise—a responsibility Walter didn’t want due to his protest of rededicating the foundation to another saint.
He repeatedly fled the house, only to be found and forced to return every time. He even gave his resignation letter directly to Pope Gregory VII, but the latter ordered him to go back to Pontoise and never leave again.
So, for the many times your job gives you a flip-the-table-sweep-the-desk-kill-them-in-my-mind-i-want-to-quit kind of stress, just say a quick prayer to St. Walter. He won’t help you with your job but praying projects the resolve of handling stress really well.
Saint Francis de Sales | Journalists
Whenever we curse the media for giving us daily dose of bad news, let’s take the time to consider that maybe, just maybe, they’d rather hear and report good news, too.
And with how fast events get crazier and crazier, journalists need all the support they can get to keep tabs on these ever-changing issues. And who better to guide them than the saint that used the power of mass communications to convert people to Catholicism—St. Francis de Sales.
With the truth being bent farther than Neo in Matrix, real news writers would need superhuman guidance to stick to irrefutable facts and proper reporting. We all need to pray; for our own sake.
Saint Drausinus | Invincible
If ever you feel useless in this world, imagine being a patron saint for invincible people. What would an unbeatable, invulnerable, indomitable person need a saint for?
According to some legends, staying the night at the tomb of St. Drausinus made one invincible. Armies reportedly stayed at the tomb the night before a victorious fight.
So, if the seemingly invincible people lording our society now wouldn’t need St. Drausinus, maybe we can ask him to accord us the same invincibility—the courage to do whatever they want. Maybe, at least for once, we can achieve that equality.
Saint Gengulphus of Burgundy | Adultery
Speaking of doing whatever they want, hello proud adulterers! Thank you for making us lose our faith in trust itself and proving that the world will accept any apology for infidelity.
Now, for those who can’t stand idly by, please welcome St. Gengulphus—the saint to invoke against adultery.
Why him? Let’s just say that when he left his house, his wife committed adultery with a priest. She said she’s innocent, but as a follower of Christ, he wished to God a way to judge her innocence. He had her dip her hand in tap water and it came out miraculously scalded. He then forbade her from seeing the priest again. But of course, the priest killed Gengulphus to continue their adulterous relationship and as they say, the rest was a sickening history.
But it gave us a saint to pray for against adultery. So, join us! Let’s all do a vigil in the name of St. Gengulphus tomorrow night, 7pm, in front of Batasan Pambansa.
Jesus Malverde | Drugs
Desperate times call for desperate sainthood.
If you hate drugs, probably what you would hate more than drugs is a patron saint for it. But, no, Jesus Malverde is not an official saint canonized by Vatican. Don’t go around telling people that though, especially the thousands who travel to Mexico to pray in the shrine of the “poor man’s saint”.
Don’t also tell that to drug traffickers who adopted him as their patron saint. See, Malverde’s legends have painted him as a Robin Hood-type hero, stealing from the rich and selling drugs to use all the profit in helping the poor. It’s not like a drug-related martyr is as common as a disease-related one so they quickly called him their narcosaint.
Just like the DEA agent in Breaking Bad, let’s all ask for Malverde’s help to know who are the drug traffickers—the real ones, so no more innocent lives get wasted.
Saint Barbara | Firepower
Speaking of innocent lives being killed, say hi to St. Barbara—the patron saint of anything that goes boom.
Her inspiring story starts with her father beheading her because she converted to Christianity. On his way home after the execution, he was fatally struck by lightning—giving birth to digital karma even before the new millennium.
So, St. Barbara is the name to shout against sudden deaths and anything that can cause it. It started with lightning, but when the industrial revolution kicked in gunpowder and artillery, she became popular as the patron saint of explosion-based activities that can cause sudden deaths.
Do I really need to spell out why we need to pray to her?
Saint Joseph of Arimathea | Undertakers
Speaking of rising death toll, who needs more supernatural and divine support to do their jobs than the ones who need to take care of this toll’s aftermath?
It’s simple math. More deaths, with the same number of undertakers, mean more capita per, well, capita. We don’t want the undertakers overworked to death and follow the bodies they’re fixing.
So, let’s all pray for all arrangers of burials by calling upon the one who arranged the burial of Jesus himself—St. Joseph of Arimathea.
Saint Thomas More | Politics
Admit it. This is the saint that we need now more than ever.
You may know him as the author of Utopia, but back in 1535, More was ordered to be beheaded when he opposed King Henry VIII’s separation from the Catholic Church and refused to acknowledge his annulment with Catherine of Aragon. Aside from being a devout Catholic, he used his expertise as a statesman in defending the Church against heretics. He’s an adept politician and he did everything by the book; thus, his patronage.
You might not believe in saints but when someone has to write about the political system of an imaginary ideal island nation, believe in his knowledge of the world’s politics and how screwed it is. Pray for him to intercede. Because, a crazy world starts with crazy leaders.
Know of any other saints who might help? Share them with us below!