Super Life-Changing Tips
By Paolo Mariano
Congratulations to this year’s graduates! Job well done! You can now say goodbye to procrastination in school and say hello to procrastination at work. But the truth is, not every graduate will land a job. Fact: 97% of Filipinos are unemployed. Another fact: That previous fact isn’t a fact. A handful of graduates will end up as bums. Or as eloquently termed in Filipino: palamunin.
But don’t feel bummed about it. Bums are part of the natural order of things. They’re as valuable as the subtitles in Carlo J. Caparas’ movies (The Cory Quirino Kidnap: NBI Files). Here are valuable tips for all you reputable bums out there!
Being a bum means mayday in the money department. So why not open a simple business? With summer in full pawis-kili-kili mode, the best business idea is to sell ice candy. But to separate yourself from competitors, concoct new flavors: pesto, kare-kare with bagoong, overpriced coffee, and of course, the omnipresent salted egg. Open a stall in one of the 738384 food parks around. Make the money rain! You’ll give Henry Sy a run for his money in no time.
Make good use of your seemingly endless free time. Go to the nearest gym, near your house, and shave off the unwanted chemicals from all the junk food and instant pancit canton you’ve been devouring. Run on the treadmill for five minutes and that’s it! That’s better than zero exercise, right? Then just spend the rest of your gym time taking selfies. Drink all the free water while you’re at it. Always remember: hydrate. Even if you’re a lazy bum.
Learn a new sport
If going to the gym isn’t your cup of protein shake, you can exercise by learning a new sport. It’s also good for the body minus the obnoxious males flexing their biceps in the mirror. But don’t try the usual sports like basketball, boxing, or badminton. Try sepak-takraw or equestrian or curling. Or Jai Alai for that matter! If throwing a ball to a giant wall using a wicker basket isn’t your idea of a sport, then go to hell.
Write a diary
With all the exciting things you do daily, it’s only logical to write about them. Document your meaningful life for posterity. Write about how you slouched on the couch for six straight hours wearing nothing but a worn-out brief. Write about how you stared at the static on the TV before sleeping for the 27th time. Write about how two lizards had rough sex on your bedroom ceiling. Stories that truly tug at your heartstrings. Paulo Coehlo would be proud.
Inject culture in your life
Nothing says culture absorption than watching a bunch of TV shows. With today’s entertainment-driven zeitgeist, your cultural sensibilities will be refined in just a few clicks of the remote control. Learn the aesthetics of emotive performance art on Wowowin. Be in awe of the magnificence of numbers on the daily PCSO Lotto Draw. Imbibe the wonders of provincial life on Ang Probinsyano. Witness the cathartic ethos of cocks on Sagupaan: Sabong Pinoy. You’ll be a culture connoisseur in no time.
See the world
There’s really nothing like traveling. It clears the mind and nourishes the soul. Don’t say that climbing a 5,000-foot mountain just to take a selfie isn’t life-altering? But since you’re a bum, you can’t afford to climb mountains or sunbathe in beaches. So, take the road less traveled—literally. Find inner peace in the utopian streets of Brgy. Culiat. Curse your non-existent love life atop Smokey Mountain. Take a lovely, refreshing dip in Ilog Pasig. Anthony Bourdain is already jealous.
Make social experiments
Do something worthwhile and significant with your idle time. Do the world a favor and make social experiments. Pretend you’re a well-read taong grasa and recite Oedipus Rex while in a cramped MRT when everyone’s stressed and ready to combust. Roam the eskinitas of Tondo while holding a placard that says “FREE SAPAK.” Run naked along EDSA and pick a fight with all the stupid drivers. Try ‘em. They’re not pretentious at all. You might even win a Nobel Prize.
The attention span of today’s youth is shorter than Mahal’s mini-skirt. They’re indecisive, unsure, and fickle-minded. They jump from one thing to another. So if you’re a bum, be a bum! Own it! Commit to something for chrissakes! Burn your diploma and raise a middle finger to capitalism! Just lie in bed all day and eat bags of potato chips (salted egg flavor?). After all, there’s nothing more admirable than being a free-loader. As Aretha Franklin correctly spelled it: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Got any more tips? Share them with us below!