Between portable media, home video and streaming services, it’s no wonder that more and more people are choosing to stay home rather than go to the cinema. Sure, no tablet, smartphone or giant size OLED TV can compare to the all enveloping presence of the big screen, but they also don’t come with “other people” and the various distractions they bring.
So let’s make the world a better place. Let’s make an agreement. Let’s resolve to keep these eight things in mind when we go to the movies. Let’s make the cinema a hush and profound experience once more.
8. Mind your children
Nothing sucks more than having the movies interrupted by a kid crying. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, whether it’s a spilled soda or a missed nap time. Yeah, parenting is hard, but you know best when your kids aren’t ready to behave. In the meantime save the movies for when you and your spouse have some “you time” when you leave the kids with a sitter or trusted loved one.
7. Eat discreetly
Sure, concession stand prices aren’t the best value for money, but they still can’t diminish the magic of a huge pile of snacks at the movies. What does diminish other people’s immersion is the sound of loud chewing, audible slurping and the crinkling of snack bags. There’s nothing wrong with pigging out. No one’s going to judge you in the dark where they can’t see you, but they don’t need to hear you either.
6. Talking to a minimum, please
Yes, going to the movies is best with a friend. But once the lights go down, it’s hush time. Most of us want to focus on the action happening on the screen. We don’t need to hear you crack wise about how the characters could be smarter or explain everything that’s going on. You can save the discussion for after the movie over drinks, food, smokes or whatever it is you like to do on a movie night.
5. Put your phone away
The only thing as equally obnoxious as talking so much during a movie is talking on your phone during a movie. We don’t care if it’s your mom, your spouse or your boss. They didn’t pay for a movie ticket, so they certainly don’t belong inside the cinema. Let people know via text if you’re going to be alone in the dark for two hours, but if you must take your calls, do it outside.
4. No really, put your phone away
We understand that sometimes you might have a compulsive urge to check your phone for a message you’ve been waiting for. Or sometimes you’re like, “Hey, it’s that guy!” and you want to Google and figure out where you’ve seen that character actor before. But the light from a phone is super distracting, even when you slide it down to minimum brightness. Save the Internet sleuthing for later.
3. Don’t show up late
When you pop in while the opening credits are rolling, it’s a mild but forgivable annoyance. When you show up half an hour late, that’s another matter altogether. While we’re trying to focus on critical backstory, all we can hear is your awkward, nervous shuffling as you try to find your seat in a pitch black theater. Go for the next screening, it’s not the end of the world.
2. Keep your hands off your date
There are few things sadder and more pathetic than making out or getting a handsie at the cinema. Look, we understand that for horny folk, it’s tough to get freaky without a place of their own. But there is a time and place for sex, and that has never been 4:10 pm on a Wednesday at Greenbelt 3 during Armed Response, starring Wesley Snipes.
1. Save your verdict for later
Declaring that the thing we all just saw was “an extreme load of crap,” might have made you look cool when you were in grade school, but for most of us, it just makes you look like a self-important twat. So while we relax through the closing sharing our thoughts and collecting our nerves, keep your opinion to yourself until you leave the theater.
Any other suggestions? Share them with us below!
