This Week in Weird News:
Suicide Tomatoes Edition
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey, weird team! Some crazy headlines pierced our brains this week. There was the mayor-and-son tandem given a shoot-to-kill order for being one of the top drug dealers of the region.
Suicide Squad was released and reviews aren’t exactly good. Paragon of truth and sex expert, Mocha Uson, was involved in a confusing scenario over her alleged appointment as a consultant for the Bureau of Customs.
But what about the weird stuff? The stuff that prods our very sensibilities? The news that make us squirm and cringe as our lunch threatens to escape via our mouth-holes? Or simply, the news that make us go “what in the hell is that sh*t?!”
Fear not, true believer. We’ve got you covered. Time to put our foil hats on once again as we take a look at weird news around the world. Don’t forget to take your vitamins! You know, for immunity and stuff.
8. “World’s Greatest Joint-Roller” earns $7,000 for his stoned handiwork, people wonder what are they doing with their lives?
Meet Tony Greenhand. He’s a 26-year old from Oregon and he’s a professional joint-roller and he’s considered to be one of the best in the world. His creations even fetch $7,000 USD. Said creations were actually a collection of joints made to look like weapons, like the smoke-able AK-47 you can see below:
And Pikachu joint for all the people who want to be the very best:
“I basically jump out of bed and start rolling joints,” he says in the video above for Vocativ.
The lesson here? Do what you love and success will follow. Also, whoever said weed makes you lazy obviously hasn’t met this guy. P.S. the people who say that they need to smoke a joint because like, they’re sooo high strung, maaaaaan.
Meanwhile, some people reading this are asking themselves what they are doing with their lives; why even bother writing all those damn resumes and cover letters?
7. Parents leave toddler alone to play Pokémon Go, get arrested.
What the hell is it with Pokémon Go that drives people to do crazy stuff?
An Arizona couple was arrested on suspicion of child endangerment and neglect for abandoning their two-year old child to play Pokémon Go, Buzzfeed reports.
The couple, Brent Daley and Brianne Daley, were jailed while their son was taken into protective custody. Authorities were notified around 10:30 PM when a concerned neighbor noticed the toddler. Upon arrival, authorities found the child in distress, screaming and crying. Furthermore, the child was wearing nothing but a diaper and a T-shirt in the 96-degree weather. To make matters worse, the boy was without water, and was dirty and red-faced.
Deputies found the home unlocked and tried to call Brent Daley to notify him of his son’s condition, to which Daley replied with “whatever” and hung up. The parents only returned an hour later, while the authorities waited with the couple’s son.
Parenting of the year award goes to these guys. The prize in question is a kick to the shin.
Speaking of Pokémon Go:
6. There’s now a Pokémon Go porn parody; because screw your inner child.
Rule # 34 states that if something exists, there’s a porn version of it. Also, you know you’ve hit the big time when there’s a porn parody of your creation.
Enter Pornstar Go: A XXX Parody, spoofing the mobile phenomenon as you attempt to “f*ck ‘em all.” The company behind the parody is Brazzers, who also incidentally released Ghostbusters XXX parody.
Before you dismiss this as another brainless parody, there’s a plot. A PLOT. In the film, Brazzers fan Jordi has been giving the unforgiving task of finding missing porn stars so that the porn production company can resume the business of filming people take each other to the O-Zone. Also, it’s important to mention that the Pokéball looks like anal beads. Screw your childhood.
If you want to be the very best, the film is set for release on August 8.
5. Boyfriend of girl with two vaginas speak about sex life
People normally don’t like talking about each other’s sex life, because come on! No one really wants to imagine their friend naked and making orgasm-faces while they form the beast with two backs with other people. Well, if you do like to imagine your friends bumping uglies, congratulations! You need to see a shrink.
Though divulging the nitty gritty of your trips to pleasure town aren’t normally encouraged, a couple on Reddit’s Ask Me Anything thread openly talked about it. What makes NurseryRN and twicethefunn (their Reddit aliases) so special? NurseryRN was born with a “complete uterine didelphys.” Hence, she was born with a double uterus with two separate cervices and, even more rare, a double vagina.
And that’s where twicethefunn got his username!
Naturally, people were curious and asked him all sorts of questions:
This gives “double penetration” a whole new meaning, right? Right? No? Moving on then.
4. Creepy clown spotted in Wisconsin carrying black balloons, makes people want to wet themselves
People in Green Bay, Wisconsin are having trouble sleeping at night after multiple sightings of a clown lurking around streets and highways on late nights.
A Facebook Fan page has already been established for the unsettling-looking clown, who has been named Gags. Why the name? He’ll probably make you gag after he shoves his balloons and fist down your throat.
The clown has been spotted wearing a shabby, rugged outfit while carrying black balloons. One commenter said that this is the work of a director for a horror film.
Keep checking Gags’ page for future sightings, or maybe check under your bed or bathroom mirror.
3. Man orders strippers for own funeral and gyrate at his coffin because nothing is sacred anymore
Whether this man is “sick” or a “legend,” you decide. In China, a man known as Jian hired strippers for his own funeral, clad in bikinis and gyrating at his coffin to the tune of Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.” Said strippers danced sensually in front of the photo of the deceased, which was illuminated by colorful lights. It’s a funeral meets a strip club! Yeesh.
Funny enough, this practice is not rare in China. The trend of strippers strutting their stuff at funerals is an attempt to get more mourners to the events in question. It is believed that a large group at a funeral ensures the deceased’s success in the afterlife.
Do what you love and let it kill you, right? Or take whatever it is that you love to the grave with you. In this case, strippers.
2. Corpse Flower blooms all at once, may signal impending apocalypse
Corpse Flower Blooms | HuffPost NowThis
This rare corpse flower is suddenly blooming all over the U.S. and no one knows why.
Posted by HuffPost Weird News on Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Corpse flowers are a flowering plant that only grow in certain parts of the world. They’re named as such since it smells like a dead body, and “smells-like-shit flower” and “rotting flesh flower” aren’t particularly sexy-sounding. Side note: it’s Latin name, Amorphophallus titanium, translates to “giant misshapen penis.” So there’s that.
The flower takes a decade to bloom to unleash that smell, so it’s odd that corpse flowers in the U.S. are blooming at the same time. Scientists aren’t sure why this is happening. And just to fill you in, the University of Wisconsin-Madison says only 157 flowers bloomed between 1889 and 2008.
So why are they blooming at the same time? No one knows. Could it be the impending sign of a Trump presidency? Another world war? The apocalypse? Who knows.
1. DC fans sign petition to shut down Rotten Tomatoes over bad Suicide Squad reviews because…their feelings are important
Suicide Squad just premiered, and so far, reviews aren’t looking too good. Some DC fans are outraged and directing their hatred towards film critics. One fan took it a step further by creating a petition on Change.org to shut down entertainment review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, where the film currently holds a rating of 35% out of 100%.
“We need this site to be shut down because It’s Critics always give The DC Extended Universe movies unjust Bad Reviews, Like
1- Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice 2016
2- Suicide Squad 2016 and that Affects people’s opinion even if it’s a really great movies,” the site stated. The man who started the petition, Abdullah Coldwater, further added, “A petition definitely won’t shut down the site. The aim of the petition is to deliver a message to the critics that there [are] a lot of people [who] disagree with their reviews. This is just a way to express our anger.”
The petition now has over 17,000 signatures as of this writing and the person who started it, Abdullah Coldwater, has now closed it down. “In fact i started this petition to gather DC fans to express our anger just for fun. I didn’t mean it to be taken that serious,” said Coldwater. “After thinking, I found this petition is pointless. And the only thing that it does is spreading a speech of hate and online fighting among the supporters and objectors,” he adds.
However, just to reiterate, Rotten Tomatoes merely AGGREGATES the critic reviews and the site doesn’t assign the scores itself. If DC fans still want to see the movie, go for it. If they enjoy it, then whoop-de-doo. If they don’t, then they don’t.
This just in: butthurt fanboys with nothing better to do with their lives petition to shut down aggregator website because they’re too sensitive to handle other people’s opinions.
Enjoy other weird news this week? Tell us below!
