Since most people reading this never pay attention to the authors unless they’re outraged by the content, you might not have realized that I was recently featured on TV in a segment about people who will be celebrating Christmas without a significant other.
Spoiler alert: it wasn’t flattering.
This sort of makes me a qualified expert at explaining my single blessedness during family reunions, because I get asked about it. All the frigging time. You would think after asking me about what I do for a living, they’d have learned their lesson already, but they never do. So I have to show them. I have to show them all.
I get that we all want the first and only answer in this list to be “because my relationship status is none of your f*cking business, tita,” but we all know it doesn’t work that way. We have to be diplomatic. We have to answer with poise. And it doesn’t matter if they’re even aware of our sexual orientation if it didn’t happen to be straight: there would still be this unhealthy level of curiosity about your lovelife that somehow constitutes as small talk for them. Here is a simple guide to answering this question as conclusively as you can.
Unfortunately, thanks to my last guide putting me on multiple government watchlists, I can no longer explain to you the glory of going full Hannibal on people who ask you stupid questions. I promise to be more benign than that, but no less soul-crushing.
8. Explain that you are currently focused on something more important.
Offer up anything else here. Career, studies, or establishing your own bizarre polyamorous cult. What’s important is for them to understand that a lovelife would get in the way of that, and it’s the farthest thing from your mind, so talking about love is just pointless.
7. Remind them it’s not your obligation to make them grandkids.
Even when people are married, having children isn’t always part of the agenda. Say this in the nicest way possible, because older people generally get offended by the idea of someone never wanting to have kids for some reason.
6. Explain to them that you are better at building other types of relationships.
Romance is overrated. The best kind of relationship is a relationship between you and your downlines. This is all that matters.
5. Ask them if they’re open-minded.
This is the easiest way to gauge if they are prepared to find more meaning in their life than just bothering you about your lovelife. Open-mindedness is an important requirement for making life-altering decisions, such as getting into a business, starting a political career, or getting into a threesome.
4. Pair up your relatives for pairing bonuses.
They keep trying to pair you up. Now, it’s your turn. After all, if you can produce three levels in one go at this family reunion, you will be set for a long time.
Remember: they are family. They can’t just drop you. They will accept you. And this business is for them. All of them.
3. Make sure you read my previous guide about explaining your job.
Especially important in that guide is step 5.
Allow me to jog your memory.
2. Tell them that the only true pyramid is whatever job they do right now.
Emgoldex is not a pyramid scam! But you know what’s a pyramid scam? Everyone else’s job! One chairman of the board, with countless other people under him? And who rakes in the cash? He does! It’s a pyramid, and Emgoldex will take that pyramid and turn it upside down, so everyone can exit with the kind of money they truly deserve!
1. Tell them to spread the news.
This is POWER. This is golden. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. And you just gave it to them. Tell them they’re welcome.
You can tell I’m not a huge fan of awkward conversations at family reunions, can’t you?
Congratulations! You have just made sure they never wonder about your singlehood ever again! Power!
