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Slapsoil Diaries (Part 2): More Cringey Stories from ‘Homepaslupa Buddies’

  • Posted on May 25, 2021May 26, 2021
  • 8 minute read
  • Jon Christoffer Obice
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When the original Facebook group ‘Hampaslupa Buddies‘ was suspended, the fun bubble of netizens who often relied on it for a hearty laugh during the second season of quarantine burst. This parody version of the super-popular Home Buddies group seemed like the perfect antithesis to everything that’s refined, modulated, and well-thought-out aesthetics of life. There, even the most unexplored “squammy” version of yourself is celebrated. No pretense, no filters—the more rugged and reckless you are, the more you connect to the general mass.

But just like in any circumstance thrown at Filipinos, the admins were quick to create a new scapegoat for the people who are just want to have a good, loud laugh. And thus, the birth of “Homepaslupa Buddies.”

It certainly is more tamed than its previous version—but the charisma remains. Here are some of the #slapsoil stories that would make you question, “Am I really this squammy?”

Read Part 1 here!

(Editor’s Note: Some of these stories have been edited for clarity and brevity.)

 

BBQ stall or birthday party?

Sometimes, our “dead-hungry” (direct translation of patay-gutom, genius right?) selves just knows no borders. One day, Tide was so hungry that he forgot his manners.

Mmay gusto lang ako i-kwento para mas gumaan pakiramdam ko 😭 Fresh na fresh na pangyayare kase at parang gusto ko pa rin lumubog na lang sa lupa
So ito na nga, kakalipat ko lang recently ng inuupahan (night shift ako sa trabaho). Naalimpangitan ako ngayon-ngayon lang (11am) dahil nagugutom ako. So lumabas ako para maghanap ng kakainin. Naglakad lakad ako at di pa ko nakakalayo may nakita akong BBQ-han. Nakita ko may dalawang batang (parang nasa 10-12 yrs old) nakatayo tapos isang nagpapaypay. Yung dalawang bata nakatingin lang sa niluluto ng mabangong mga naka stick na BBQ. Tapos may mesa nakalagay don yung mga stick ng BBQ at hotdog.🥺
Edi pumunta ako don tapos namili ako ng BBQ na gusto ko bilhin. Nakapili ako ng tatlong stick tapos tinanong ko pa si ate kung may isaw, sagot nya “yan lang eh”.
Nung nilagay ko na sa lutuan habang nagpapaypay si ate napatingin silang tatlo saken na parang di ako magbabayad. So kinuha ko agad purse ko at tinanong si ate “ate magkano po lahat aken”. Sabi nya “ay hnd po to tinda, pang birthday po to”.
Parang gusto kong lumubog sa lupa, tiningnan ko ung dalawang bata, yung isa di na napigilan ung tawa nya. Hindi na ako nakasagot kay ate at umalis na lang ako na parang walang nangyare 😭
At umuwi na lang ako ulit, parang nawala ung gutom ko bigla at gusto ko muna maging alikbok sa hangin 😭

 


Pepper Shaker in Mang Inasal?

The gap time between ordering and waiting for your order in Mang Inasal is really a test of time and, apparently, slapsoil-ness. Eri‘s boyfriend maybe was super dead hungry that upon receiving his order, he did unexplainable things.

Nagde-deyt kami sa Mang Inasal. So yun na nga, nung ma-serve na ‘yung pagkain namin, nalingat lang ako ng konti. Baka humingi ako ng sabaw or whatever, basta di ko na tanda. Napansin ko tinataktak ng jowa ko yang mukhang bowling pin na yan. Sabi ko sa kanya, “anungginagawamue?” Akala nya pala paminta hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha yokona
Via Eri Chan/Facebook
#SlapSoil Diaries: 8 Embarrassing and Hilarious True Stories from Our Hampaslupa Kapitbahays
#SlapSoil Diaries: 8 Embarrassing and Hilarious True Stories from Our Hampaslupa Kapitbahays
Jon Christoffer Obice | May 04, 2021

 

The question of shame

It’s always good to help participate in charity and corporate social responsibility events aimed to help the needy. But the question is, are you the one helping or are you the one in need of help? Kitsune was put in such an awkward situation before, but now he just laughs it off.
Early days ko sa BPO, meron kaming tinatawag na Corporate Social Responsibility events (edit, mali ung term ko kanina 😅). Ito yung mga kawang-gawa na pag nag-volunteer ka ay you will earn one additional leave credit.
So yung event is sa GK Bahay Kalinga. Not sure kung familiar kayo pero ito ung mga villages ng mga ka squammy natin na pinapaganda ng mga volunteers. So after ng graveyard shift namin, nag join ako dun and nung matapos yung 1st round ng pagbubuhat ng mga hollow blocks, pinagbreak muna kami.
On our way papunta sa area kung san pwede magpahinga, nakasabay ko maglakad ung isang babaeng manager level. Since palangiti siya sa floor tuwing nakakasalubong ko sya, I assumed makikilala nya ko dito:
Me: (haggard kasi nga wala pang tulog) Ang saya ng event na to. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdam.
Manager: Yes, true. So kamusta naman kayo dito?
Me: (na confused sa tanong ni mam) Panong kamusta?
Manager: I mean, saan kayo nagi-stay habang nire-renovate yung mga bahay nyo dito?
Me: Ay, mam, volunteer din po ako 😅
Umexit si manager, di man lang nag sorry. Inisip ko na lang nahiya sa sinabi nya.
Pero di ko sya masisi kung napagkamalan niya akong taga Bahay Kalinga. Because once a slappy, always a slappy 🤣

 

 

Tamang hinala lang

There really are times when you think you’re always the main character of the story or that the world revolves around you. But some days, you gotta have tamang hinala too, or in short, TH. For the lack of it, this girl ended up in a police station.

Share ko din jeepney journey ko

Papasok na ako sa work nun, pagsakay ko sa jeep may 2 pasahero. Bilat at bulay. Sa right slde sila medyo malapti sa driver, ako sa left malapit sa pinto. Si ate mo ghorl ke gandang babae tas c kuyang parang ka slapsoil natin🤣
So eto na, habang nasa byahe kami napapansin ko si kuya panay tingin sa bag ni ate ghorl. Si ate ghorl medyo burara nakaopen bag kita tablet niya tas sa harap lang nakatingin parang taga alta na nasiraan ng wheels kaya ng jeep🤣 Biglang para ni bulay sabay hablot sa tab. Si ate napasigaw lang ng “hoy”, syempre ako nagulat din pero nung malapit na si kuya sa ‘kin bigla na lang umigkas paa ko at naflying kick ko sya palabas ng jeep. Una mukha niya nahulog sa semento🤣.
Tas ang very shocking pa dito si ate mo ghorl nagalit sakin sabay sabi kay kuya “babe ok ka lang?”
Shutanames magjowables pala ang mga defungal ahahaha may LQ lang kyaa hindi nagpapansinan sa jeep🤣🤣
Ending na-police station ako, habang nagbibigay ako statement tawa ng tawa mga lispu🤣🤣

Small, medium, or large?

As a first-timer in a posh restaurant, Racz‘s sister just wanted to play safe, so she just played by ear. But apparently, her sister didn’t have time to brush up on resturant jargon.
Homepaslupa steak
Via Racz Kelly/Facebook
Ang pamilya ko ay literal na hampaslupa na nakarating ng Cenede pero mga alila pa rin naman dito hahaha dalawa kami ng sis ko na nakarating dito bilang mga maid of honor hahaha
Then ang kuya ko ay nagbakasyon. Hindi dahil naka-LL kami kundi pinadala lang siya ng kanilang federation lol.
Dahil natuwa ang boss ng sis ko na may kapatid siyang bumisita sa kanya, dinala sila sa resto na pang-alta. Alam n’yo na, yung mga may stakes sa menyu.
Nung time na umorder sila..
BOSS NI SIS: can I have a steak plezzz.. Medium
KUYA KO: sure, I’ll have the same, medium (kala n’yo alta rin? Hindi! napractice niya. Para magmukha at tunog alta, gayahin lang order ng nauna sa kanya hahaha)
SIS KO: I would like to order the same, size small
Nahiya raw siya umorder ng medium kasi mahal ang steak. Kaya size small nalang Hahahahaha! 

 

The self-replenishing towel

As a first-timer in a five-star hotel, it might be a shock for our squammy selves to notice that some towels just vanish out of nowhere and get replaced in a heartbeat. But for Mayvee, she did the unthinkable. Could we blame her?

Homepaslupa towel
Via Mayvee Lyn/Facebook

Circa 2016

Pinadala ako ng company namin sa isang out-of-country training. Bilang super generous ng company namin, sa isang 5-star hotel kami nagstay. Sobrang saya ko kasi first time ko magbusiness travel abroad tapos sosyalan pa yung hotel.
At dahil 5-star hotel sya, syempre bongga ang mga amenities at ang room. Pinakanatuwa ako sa C.R. dahil kasing laki na ng bahay namin, may glass wall at door pa yung pagitan ng liguan at depositohan ng number 2, tapos may hot and cold shower pa at ang daming mga tuwalya nakasabit bukod pa sa bath robe. Bilang ako ay certified #slapsoil syempre tinesting ko agad ang shower. After i-enjoy ang shower, narealize ko na nakalimutan kong kumuha ng bath robe. Buti na lang may tuwalyang nakasabit sa pinto ng shower. So yun ang ginamit ko. Medyo alanganin yung size ng towel, maliit sya compared sa usual na towel so iniisip ko baka pambalot ng buhok ito. Yung mga nakikita ko sa tv na nakapulupot sa buhok. Ganern.
Yung mga sumunod na araw, ginamit ko na yung towel na nakasabit sa pinto bilang pangtuyo ng buhok ko (2x a day pa ako nun naliligo..lubusin na libre tubig eh 🤣) Medyo weird lang kasi sabi sa instruction, kapag gagamitin ulit ang mga towel, isabit lang sya sa sampayan, pero kung gusto na palitan, ilagay lang daw sa sahig. Kaso sa tuwing sinasampay ko yung towel na ginamit ko sa ulo at buhok ko, the following day lagi syang pinapalitan. Bago lagi yung nakasabit sa door handle ng shower.
Hanggang sa ika-3rd or 4th day na namin sa hotel..pagpasok ko ng CR…nakita ko yung bagong towel na nakalagay sa sahig..Baaaaammm…
…basahan pala sya 🤣🤣🤣

Heeding the ‘call of nature’—in Middle East

This toilet story happened thousands of feet above sea level. Iyham was so down to finish his business, not until he examined the whole facility…
Homepaslupa airplane toilet
Via Iyham Duenas/Facebook

Yung perstaymer ka sa eroplano tapos taeng-tae ka na, nung pumasok ka sa kubeta para jumerbaks di ka makatae kasi yung inidoro walang tubig.

Ang ending tiniis mo yung tae mong gusto ng kalayaan hanggang makarating ka sa gitnang silangan.
Kamuntikan na kong dumighay nang may laman.

 

 

Extra rice

Ellie is an obedient employee, she heeds the requests of her boss even if it’s not work-related. Whether it’s the lack of ability to read between the lines of privileged people or she simply was just dumbstruck, it was her first time to see someone order extra rice using an app. The rest is history.

Homepaslupa rice
Via Ellie Estrañero/Facebook

Ang hirap pala magkaroon ng alta na boss sa trabaho. 

Wala daw sila lunch at gusto nila ng Baliwag. Since slapsoil us sabi ko pass sa sweldo na lang. KINSE NA LANG PERA KO PANG LUNCH. Nagpumilit sila, libre na lang daw nila ako basta ako umorder.
Syempre deadhungry tayo so gorabels na si aketch Tom Jones na rin talaga.
Me: Boss pano to wala tayo kanin.
Alta na boss: Bili na lang tayo sa baba sa Ministop.
Me:(nag iisip tangina mahal don) Boss kinse kanin don ehh.
Alta na boss: Hayaan mo na limang piso lang ehh.
Hinayang ako sa limang piso. Habang naorder ako sa Grab, nakita ko ung Baliwag may 65 pesos na kanin isang kilo na daw.
TUWANG TUWA ANG PATAY GUTOM inisip ko madami na yon sa amin may sobra pa pwede ko pa iuwi sa bahay kesa bumili kami ng kanin na bitin kinse pesos pa. Gamitin ko daw ung card ni boss sa app. Edi bayad na, gutom na talaga ako at excited tangina lechon manok yan ohh minsan lang makatikim!
Dumating yung nakamotor.
Grab rider: Ma’am umorder po kayo bigas?
Me: po? Kanin po isang kilo.
Grab rider: *inabot ang baliwag at isang kilong bigas* Mam hilaw na bigas po yan. Lulutuin pa.
Naiihi ako sa iyak at sa takot dahil lagot ako sa boss ko. 😭
#helpme SAAN PO MAY HIRING NGAYON? KA SLAPSOIL??
TULONG PO PLEASE.

 

Which of these squammy moves are you guilty of committing? Tell us in the comment section!


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Jon Christoffer Obice

CEO of spontaneity

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